UnNews:Smiles All Round as Goth Dies

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28 March 2008

The compact Goth-vanquishing device now in the hands of madmen (Victim Support) trying to free the monster inside!

Lancashire, England -- A 15 year old boy is commended as a hero amongst his local community today when he was sentenced to life in prison for vanquishing a Goth using a mirror as his primary weapon. Four other extras were involved as well but they are unimportant as they didn’t do enough vanquishing.

Goths, it is well known, are a menace to society. Skulking around parks at midnight and wilfully turning people to stone with their eyes – or worse abducting them and forcing them to join their satanic cult. Top Gothologist, Ross Emoson (pronounced Emos-on), had this to say on Goth vanquishing “The only way to truly stop them is to show them how ridiculous they look that they have no reflection. This traps them inside the glass for all eternity where they cannot harm anyone ever again.” Or something.

The boy and the other four 15 and 16 year olds, pissed out of their heads and filled with the political ideals of their parents, decided to follow the lead of Buffy and The charmed ones and send the beings back to the hell from whence they came. After a semi-harrowing battle they succeeded in one vanquish but the other Goth escaped with just cuts and bruises. Although culturally acceptable, it is, unbelievably, still against the law to kill vanquish people Goths.

The boy’s mother was quoted, almost choked with tears, saying “I am actually very proud of him” then, sniffing “he’s actually helped keep up the intolerance of these demons who we just can’t stand for, if all goes well we’ll see more stuff like this in the future: maybe even involving them homosexualists”

We have been unable to interview the mother of the ‘victim’ but we suspect she’s probably hiding in a cupboard somewhere and hasn’t yet heard the good news about her daughter.

In a strictly off the record interview with ‘The Slayer’, he was quoted saying “Yeah I did it but I dunno what you people are talking about vampires for. I want to go prison as I’ve heard it’s a great place to pick up guys is all.”

It is reported that the judge is going to be quite lenient ("boys will be boys") and only give him a few years, or the ‘speed dating’ option of a few months, in prison before releasing him upon an unsuspecting sub-human culture once more.