UnNews:Some Country Somewhere Does Something; Americans Don't Notice

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3 January 2010

Americans are generally unresponsive to something that happened outside their sphere of influence

SOME COUNTRY, Somewhere -- The American populace is unsure of how to react to something that happened in some weird country they've never heard of. The various news programs weren't much help; Fox News was too busy talking about why Barack Obama is a terrorist Muslim, and CNN was too busy trying to make white people realize how bad they were/are with programs such as Latino in America to realize that somewhere, stuff actually happens outside of America.

It didn't happen in an important country, and it wasn't just another suicide bombing in Pakistan. Due to these obscure circumstances, most people decided to get on with their important lives; especially American teenagers, who went back to texting their friends about how hot Colton is, or how much of a bitch Sarah was today.

"It just isn't that interesting," elaborates one teen named Marcus. "Who gives a fuck about Europe anyway?"

Despite general disinterest, some people have taken it upon themselves to find out what happened in the obscure country in question, and why. Some have suggested Canada, but that theory was quickly discarded when they realized that nothing interesting happens in Canada. Another theory was that the country in question was in Europe or Africa, since nothing really happens in the Middle East except for maybe the war or some religious nut blowing up a building. As for East Asia, they are still undecided. The vigilantes then began looking up European news sources like BBS to find out just what happened.

Some people are shocked to learn that countries outside of America even exist, like first-grader Abby Williams who said, "There are cuntwies [sic] outside of Amewica [sic]?!"

Others don't care, like the self-described patriot Johnny Spangler, who claimed to speak for all of America when he stated, "Who gives a shit about Europe? Those Socialist bastards always rely on us to get them out of their wars (see: WWI, WW2). And don't even get me started on their snotty, high-society attitude. And now, they expect us to care if something happens in their backwards continent? Fuck them. Commie motherfuckers can all die for all I care."

At the end of the day, the vigilantes just decided no one cares about Europe anyway and went back to sleep.