UnNews:Some video game released; Everyone gives rat's ass

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28 August 2008

CEO of Seganintendovision, Gao Tedekikawakawakawaka, unveils the latest in a long yellow stream of video games for the Christmas/Halloween season in a flashy stage production.

Bygolly Convention Center, New York - As the Christmas season rolls around, cash registers all around our nation will be ringing in the new year with sales of the spectacular new video game which was recently announced to be released and/or already released. Millions of video game hungry Americans reportedly have given many a rat's ass in what this video game is, does, and costs.This is said to be the largest giving of rats asses in the past 400 years, leading to a plumit in the stocks of rats asses. Although we at UnNews couldn't be bothered to interview anyone or really even to look up what the video game is called, we have jumbled together and fabricated many interesting tidbits concerning this amazing new Asian video game for your consideration.

"This is the most mega experience of my rife," said CEO of Nikehondanintendo Sports, John Pakahinawasinuta, whose comments have in no way been taken out of context or completely made up. "This game will destroy all others, and bring honor to my famiry."

Outside of a Best Buy near the Bygolly Convention center, hundreds have gathered to be the first to purchase said "video game." "I've been waiting here for nigh 17 hours," said John Wills, a red blooded American, "awaiting the debut of the most recent video game released by those clever orientals."

According to local sources, a "video game" is "any of various games played using a microcomputer with a keyboard and often joysticks to manipulate changes or respond to the action or questions on the screen." The inventor of the microcomputer and the keyboard could not be reached for comment as of this printing. Apparently, in the past few decades, many people have given a large amount of rats' asses about what happens the field of video games.

"This game has more than enough buttons to satisfy your game-lust, you perverted game-mongers!" shouted Reverend Bisth of the Second Church of Christ in Alameda, Texas, who condemns the game. "This... this THING not only promotes devil worship, but is too loud and not family friendly. Even though it's fun to play, we have to keep this unholy filth out of the grubby hands of our youth. You know what these people from Japan are? They're game-mongers. That's all they do: mong games." When asked if being Asian promotes devil worship, the reverend had no comment, but we all know the truth.

The connection between Asia and video games has become more than a little apparent. According to recent studies, more than ten video games released in the last thirty years originated from somewhere in the dirty, slant-eyed jungles of Asia. Many economists have given a rat's ass about this connection, and the tantalizing secrets this connection might unveil.

"Asia really has captured the video game market," said Asian sympathizer Thomas Kane, a professor of History at Columbia University. "This game, the game you're talking about, is just another reminder of how the Asian economy is booming. And it isn't a bad thing: China, of whom we are the biggest customers," blah blah blah, something about China. Look, it wasn't interesting, okay? Let's move on from this trainwreck of an interview. Please? Thank you. jackass Asian sympathizers.

There are many video game magazines and the like that give a huge rat's ass about the aforementioned game. "I give it five out of five stars," said reviewer and Asian John Lisu. "Not only were the graphics amazing, but the storyline... oh god, the storyline just... it just... I'm sorry, I'm getting a little emotional."

This game is said to be Pokemon Platinum. Hopefully, Cthulhu willing, Japan and it's neighbors will sink into the sea before the sequel to this game can be released.

UnNews regrets to announce that its monthly column on the Asian economy has been discontinued due to legal complications.