UnNews:Study:New study fails to show that most studies are inconclusive

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6 December 2011

Heavy experimentation upholds the theory that nothing is gained from heavy experimentation.

Geneva, Switzerland

A year-long study exploring the conclusiveness of scientific studies has ended today, leading experts say. The result: inconclusive.

"This new lack of insight provides us with the opportunity to reflect on our roles as scientists," says Swedish researcher Stefen Norkoff, leader of the highly-qualified team whose findings were released earlier today. "We had no idea what we didn't know."

The group studied a variety studies over 2010-2011, critically analyzing them for conclusiveness. Researchers recall spending long hours going through study after study on everything from the effects of alcohol on fish populations to the occurrence of clinical insanity in robots. Despite generous funding from the EU and United States governments, the team of 24 was unable to reach a conclusion.

"I can't believe I wasted a whole year of my fucking life with this project," pouted 33-year-old Juanita Lopez. Lopez has decided to quit her researching job and take up prostitution in her hometown of Fortaleza, Brazil, where she hopes to "make about the same amount of money [as her old job], but with more sex."

Some of Juanita's coworkers were less dismayed by the absence of results. "All we need is a bit more grant money," suggests Norkoff. "We know that there is often some waste involved in scientific studies, but that can easily be circumvented with more financial input." Norkoff will be returning to the research project in three months, after returning from his self-issued vacation in Bermuda. "Until then, we'll never know whether studies are, in fact, conclusive."


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