UnNews:Study: Looking at breasts makes men live longer

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24 March 2011

Tack on another 2 seconds of life.

BRISTOL, England -- A recent study, published in Hot Topics in Hypertension, says that staring at women's cans can increase a man's life expectancy by 4-6 years. Author and researcher Mark Eis, a professor of homeopathic medicine at Naples University, came up with the hypothesis after noticing how relaxed he felt when his wife got naked. Backed by funding provided by MTV, Playboy and Silvio Berlusconi, Eis hired 500 males aged 18-26 - without any pre-existing medical conditions - and instructed 100 of them to ogle women's breasts daily. 100 more were instructed to only stare at the breasts of women who'd gotten implants, for a kind of placebo effect. Another 100 were told to actively avoid even so much as a glance ("You should have seen their faces when I told them," Eis commented with a chuckle). A further 100 men were told to stare at nipples, but only those of other men. The last 100 served as the control group, and were told to eat one banana every day and change nothing about their sexual habits.

After 5 years of monitoring his subjects, Eis collected and published his results, which had found that those participants who were expressly told to direct their gaze at boobs had lower blood pressure, better circulation, and less chance of blood clotting than any other group in the study. Those who were told to not gawk, on the other hand, exhibited symptoms of hypertension, increasing their risk of sudden cardiac arrest, stroke and cancer. Collectively, these conditions were predicted to shorten the lives of these subjects by an average of 5 years.

"The sexual arousal provided by taking in naked titties for 10 minutes every day produces healthy hormones and burns the same amount of calories as a half-hour of strenuous exercise," Eis said, comparing it to a trip to the gym.

"Gazing at my girl's jugs was strenuous exercise," one study participant told us, "It was some serious heavy lifting."

"So you're telling me I spent that long not sneaking peaks and now I'm going to die 5 years earlier?!?" another participant complained.

Not all gazing does the trick, however. The test group that focused, quite intently, on implants showed none of the health improvements of those who stared at the real things. However, the cause for this unexpected finding, Eis insists, is inconclusive. "It could be a number of things," he said, "It could be that the implants in question were not up to snuff. It could be that, for all their physical realism, they were not convincing psychologically. It could be that the silicone-gel [that the implants are made of] are blocking the magic sexual healing powers of the female breast." Eis went on to say that this issue would be the main topic of his next study.

The remaining test group, which studied male nipples, was unfortunately inconclusive due of a large number of data anomalies. Eis attributed this to the general reluctance of most of the group's participants; he thinks that many of them didn't actually do the gawking and simply made up their responses. Furthermore, he hypothesized that several homosexual individuals skewed the findings.

In addition to monitoring the male's response to a female's funbags, Eis also kept track of the size of the rack in question, noting that bigger is, in fact, better; the health benefits increased dramatically with bra-size. Staring at flat-chested women with a bra size of AA or A proved to be almost detrimental to a man's cardiovascular health, while a DD was nearly twice as effective as the average B cup. This discovery was instrumental to the modification of Eis' argument, leading him to add the phrase "well-endowed female" to the study's conclusion.

The end result of the study, however, is still not without unsolved questions. It is unclear, for example, whether it is the actual peeking of puppies that elongates a man's... life or whether it is actually the knowledge that he'll see knockers that does the trick. "Is it the immediate sensory stimulation?" Eis asked, "Or the feeling of hope that accompanies such foreknowledge?" This, in addition to the effect of implants on the male psyche, will also occupy Eis' future academic endeavors.

"There's so little time and so many boobs to study," Eis said, trying to restrain a grin, but failing.