UnNews:Suicidal babies cause cough medicine to be withdrawn from shelves

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27 March 2008

Aww. It's all sad now it can't kill itself.

MASTICATION, Illinois -- The Medicine and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency has pulled numerous children's cough medicines from the shelves, after they found sucidal babies had been overdosing on them. Parents have been urged not to worry, and to check if their toddlers have been hoarding cough medicine under their cribs.

"We just don't know what had got into him," said concerned parent, Jeffery MacDougle, who alerted the public to the crisis. "Why, he went from being a happy, cheerful little child to one who was always listening to this awful music, and acting out death scenes with his teddy bears. We blame the cough medicine. Why, I'm sure it couldn't be down to our parenting methods at all," he told UnNews, while hiding a cattle prod.

The NSPCC are currently busy developing sad and scary television adverts to warn children against the dangers of cough medicine. "Every parent should be alerted to the dangers that lurk in our homes," said the head of the NSPCC, Adolf Hitler. "We're curently busy trying to make a campaign against teaspoons - children could actually cut themselves with spoons if they spent several years trying! And we all know what kids are like."

The head of the Suicidal Babies Organisation has advised that any baby still wishing to commit suicide should now start mass-buying strepsils, as they too also contain small amounts of medicine and can be choked on as well.