UnNews:Suicidal surfer sues sea

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8 March 2010

Hamilton (or some other maniac) attempts “assisted suicide” at Jaws on the North Shore of Korea

COURT OF NEPTUNE, Pacific Ocean -- UnNews recently learned about a ground ocean breaking legal case. Apparently, suicidal BIG wave surfer, Laird Hamilton, accidentally wiped-out, and then successfully sued the Pacific Ocean under international maritime law. The wipeout was retracted and expunged from his otherwise perfect surfing record, and Laird's surfing insurance remains unaffected.

Ken Starr, representing Hamilton, contended that, "The plaintiff was screaming across the face of a monster wave at Jaws, located on the North Shore, Korea, when suddenly a kook on a jet-ski caused the 'bowl' to collapse, thus unduly ruining a perfect ride."

Hamilton told UnNews that he refused to take the witness stand, not because he had nothing to say, but because he was not about to swear an oath on anything except the famous copy of Surfer Magazine, showing Laird surfing Tahiti, with the caption, “OH MY GOD!”

Verdict: It was ruled that kooks-on-Jet-skis be outlawed and the wipeout be deleted from Hamilton’s clean record.

About the verdict, Hamilton told UnNews, “Listen, dude! I made a pact with Neptune that guaranteed I would never crash! And so far I never have. Which is really bitchin' cause I was in such a hurry to surf that I never bothered learning how to swim!”

Laird continued, “If a wave as tall as the Empire State Building, that weighs 74 mega tons of raging, explosive white water is not bad enough, just try it without knowing how to swim. I damn near drowned!”

UnNews says, “Thanks! - But, NO thanks!”


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.