UnNews:Tacoma's bleakness linked to pseudo-intellectualism

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22 December 2008

Rainier over tacoma.jpg

Tacoma, Washington, USA – Amidst the idle breeze of another uneventful morning in Tacoma, the city is nearly alive with the bustling of emotionally closeted people traveling hither and yon. Eyes cast downward as to avoid involuntary human interaction, these people rush to their offices with quick, deliberate steps, hoping to sneak past their co-workers without verbal incident. It seems indeed that if happiness is a warm gun, then repression is Tacoma's morning coffee.

Now one might be led to question: why are the good people of Tacoma becoming human hermit crabs? Did Professor Coldheart void the city of feelings? Perhaps Tacoma is a refuge for emigrant Vulcans? Surely Self magazine's 2006 assertion that the city is the most “sexually healthy” in the country couldn't possibly be false; Tacoma is the hometown of legendary swim coach Dick Hannula! What has happened to the second largest city Puget Sound area?

After kicking a costly, self-destructive addiction to pain medications, UnNews conducted an intensive probe into the city's melancholy. That research has revealed the shocking truth of the City of Destiny. Here, in the eco-friendly tea and biscuits shoppe on Grey street, sits the unfortunate truth. A man and woman, interacting.

“What kind of music do you like?” The man sits with his latte in hand, looking over the screen of his Mac iPuter. “Oh I love all kinds of music.” The woman is glancing casually at an ad for Wonder Bread, already disconnected from the conversation.

Dick Hannula weeps for Tacoma's decline (not pictured)

“Oh yeah? So what like rap, rock?” The man sips his twelve-dollar beverage while pretending to type. The words “MY NOVEL” are emblazoned across his computer screen in 125pt font. “Yeah, I like like classic rock too, and even some like, techno stuff.” The man smirks as he continues to falsely type.

Him: “So, you like all kinds of music? Rap, rock and techno huh? How about Venezuelan soca? Or Gregorian chant? How about the stuff Tibetan monks listen to when they make freakin' mandalas?!”
Her: “What the [explitive] are you talking about?”
Him: “Well do you listen to Celtic folk music or New Orleans swing?! How about death metal, huh? You listen to industrial europop or the Trans...Siberian Orchestra?! Yeah, you are such the worldly scholar my dear, with your rap, rock and techno.”
Her: “Wow. You must never get laid like, ever.”

An unfortunate point of fact: the man in this example doesn't know anything about any of the music he so readily rattled off. Yes, he knows of the genres, but is clueless to their artists, songs and stylistic elements. This type of off-putting social interaction is at the heart of Tacoma's sad, sad indifference. Pseudo-intellectualism: the vocal crusher of all heart-rendering emotion. People pretending to possess a higher level intelligence, often for a the sole purpose of being better than others. It is an affliction that has devastated the already mild people below Mount Rainier.

Scientists believe that the disease originated in the neighboring city of Seattle (the world's snobbery capital). This behavior had overrun Seattle long prior to it's southwestern migration. As such, it was thought that the outbreak had been confined to within that city's limits. Recent reports show mild outbreaks in a multitude of other cities across the globe, but none with the cross section showcased in Seattle. However, while Seattle has adapted itself and can sustain stasis under such conditions, Tacoma is ill-equipped for such an environment. And now, it is showing.

Tonight, as you kneel beside your bed counting the bountiful blessings the good lord Ra has bestowed upon you, say a little prayer for Tacoma, and the snobby assholes that are infiltrating it's docile society.