UnNews:Tagruato blamed for internet outages in Middle East

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3 February 2008

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates - Last Thursday, countries in the Middle East, as well as northern African countries and some parts of Europe suffered widespread Internet failure, resulting in pandaemonium and fear for companies that did not have backup satellite systems. The outages have greatly inhibited communication for major companies in the areas that were hit, and losses have already been devastating.

A sketch of the suspected culprit responsible for the outages.

While no official conclusion has been reached, local authorities believe Tagruato, a Japanese undersea drilling company, is to blame. The already heavily-criticized company recently embarked on a drilling expedition last week to retrieve a satellite which had fallen back to earth. It is believed that the drilling then awoke an enormous, ancient sea monster, which subsequently caused damage to undersea cables that supplied the Middle East with Internet access.

"It's just a major inconvenience," Mohammed Amir, head of Quantum, an ISP in Cairo told our reporter. "We think the worst of it is over, however some companies that do not have backup satellite systems are still struggling."

Citizens of these countries have also felt the effects of the outages. An outraged Iranian youth complained that he was in the middle of downloading three hours of Naughty Girls With Uncovered Faces when the outages struck.

"The monster couldn't have picked a worse time to destroy the Internet. I've been visiting my Uncle Ali in Cairo for the last week, and I hadn't masturbated at all during my stay. I come home hoping to have a nice day in, just me and my johnson, and bam! No Internet! He's been down there in the ocean for what, 10,000 years or so? Why couldn't he have picked another day? Bastard."

Ganu Yoshida, head of Tagruato, publicly apologized for the monster's destruction of Manhattan last week, however, he has not commented on the Internet outages. The lack of concern for the well-being of Middle Eastern business is sure to cause tension between the Middle East and Japan.