UnNews:Thin people may actually be fat, study shows

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28 January 2010

Many people don't know that they're fat. Are you one of them?

LOS ANGELES, California -- A new study by some reputable scientists from some reputable university produced a shocking revelation: that thin people may actually be fat! Scientists say that this condition is known as “normal-weight obesity”, where people with normal weight show the signs and symptoms of people who are obese. "It is a common assumption that thin people can't be fat," the study writes. "We are here to prove them wrong." Like real fat people, normal weight fat people are at higher risk of high blood pressure, cardiovascular diseases, social ridicule, and virginity.

This study raises a lot of concern, particularly among the public. You might be wondering, “How do I know if I’m fat?” or “How do I know which of my friends are fat, so that I look skinnier when I hang out with them?” Well, fear not. The doctors who came up with the study also came up with a free, easy, do-it-yourself test that you can try at home.

First, hold up a coin. Throw it with great force onto your hips or abdomen. If it does not bounce back at you with equal force, you’re probably fat. Alternatively, smash a coconut against your abdomen. If the coconut does not break, it means your abdomen is probably saturated with so much fat that it made your flesh soft, squishy and disgusting to touch. For women, this can mean a fourfold increase in the risk of being diagnosed with a heart disease, and a tenfold increase in the risk of having failed marriages. Both men and women show a higher risk of high cholesterol and high blood pressure.

After this study was made public, chaos ensued as almost all of the population found themselves classified as morbidly obese overnight. They are currently staying at home, crying and watching reruns of Friends while stuffing themselves with tubs of Haagen-Dazs, in an attempt to make themselves feel better. “I always wondered why my boyfriend left me,” said one weeping teenage girl. “Turns out I was obese all along.”

“This kind of reaction is reasonable,” said Dr. Irene Langerhann, the physician who lead the ground-breaking study. “These are people who had never been called fat in their lives. They ate healthy, went to the gym, but it’s just not enough. They are still, irrevocably and indisputably, fat asses.”

The study is also projected to have profound social implications. Its results had dramatically increased the percentage of fat people, especially in developed countries like the United States. The U.S. had not had an increase in fat people in recent years, and scientists contend that the American population had reached its “biological limitation” in that they are so fat that they simply cannot get any fatter. Obviously, they were proven wrong.

Following the study, the obese population in America more than tripled overnight, increasing from 30% to 97%. Other developed nations, like Australia, are not far behind. Scientists now think that the only non-fat people in the world are supermodels, Olympic athletes and starving African children. Celebrities formerly considered thin are now photographed as "letting themselves go", and these photos are then sold to tabloids for millions of dollars. These celebrities, including Uma Thurman and Natalie Portman, had since agreed to got to "fat rehab", but there are even bigger problems to come. Society is now faced with a dilemma: If everyone is fat, who will society ostracize? Whose insecurities can society prey on for profit and for a sweet sense of superiority?

She is probably fat on the inside, anyway.

Sociologist Anna Cervicalis is not worried: “Society will never run out of people to discriminate against. People who accumulate abdominal fat can now discriminate against people who accumulate hip fat. If all else fails, there are always black people.”

The news is not all bleak, though. In the wake of the study, a small minority had started to embrace their new identity as fat people. “It was pretty shocking at first,” says Perry Kymata, aged 26. “Since then, I came to terms with my obesity and no longer have to hide it. My friends and family have accepted me, and I am now proud of who I am.” Stella Reticulum, aged 30, had this to say: “I’ve always felt that I’m a fat person, trapped in a thin person’s body. Now I have fully understood myself, and I can only hope that other people find peace as I have.”

In the year 2011, Gay Pride parades will be replaced by Obesity Pride parades, which, unlike the former, is something the population at large can relate to. Dietitians and fitness centres are expecting record profits, so are plastic surgeons and slimming pill manufacturers. All is not lost, and you, the reader, can also do something to prevent yourselves from becoming walking piles of lard. Dr. Langerhann advices: “Just get out once in a while. Play a sport, walk the dog. Restrict your diet to celery and cottage cheese. And most importantly, stop editing Uncyclopedia and go outside, dammit!”