UnNews:Tiger Woods cures cancer

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21 August 2006

Tiger Woods announcing his break-through

MEDINAH, Illinois - Tiger Woods announced Sunday that he has found the cure for cancer. The famed athlete reported this milestone in medicine after winning his 412th PGA major championship.

The treatment comes in the form of a powerful drug made from grass clippings in a golf-ball-sized suppository. Mr. Woods reportedly discovered the cure the week prior while brokering the Israel-Lebanon cease-fire and busting up a child porn ring.

"This is sweet. This is really sweet," said Woods. "This is the first major disease I have cured since my dad passed away."

The cure has already been patented by Nike. Co-founder and CEO Phil Knight announced that the drug would be available at pharmacies and at all Nike factory outlet stores starting immediately.

"We want to get this cure into the hands of the people who need it most as soon as possible," Knight stated. "That is why we are offering a ten percent discount off the price of the drug for anyone who buys a pair of Air Jordans."

After making a world-wide publicity tour for the drug, Woods is planning on working on a cure for AIDS and then perfecting his cheesecake recipe.