UnNews:Tom Cruise and what's her faces baby some kind of retard or something

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7 September 2006

Tom Cruise Jr. is cute as a button... a burnt, crushed and malformed button.

HOLLYWOOD, USA -- Fans got their first peek at Tom Cruise, Jr., on the cover of this month's Vanity Fair magazine, and probably the nicest thing you could say about it is nothing at all.

The kid is obviously hideous and inbred, which will certainly guarantee that he should make a fine living as a writer/producer in the entertainment industry, but begs the question: who are this babys real parents? Otherwise, the spawn of these two Hollywood celebrities is not much to look at.

"He's got 'strong' features," noted unfunny man, Albert Brooks. "Which is a nice way of saying that he's butt ugly."

Cruise credits his kooky Scientology religion for creating the baby, or whatever the fuck it is, however the thetan soul trapped in the child's body is not all that thrilled.

"This is gonna suck, big-time," said the baby's thetan.