UnNews:Turtle Racing Proves to be Boring Sport

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24 August 2008

This is a turtle ready to race. Yay.

HOUSTON, Texas - "Go, go, go." John Schumaker says unenthusiastically. He was cheering for a racer he illegally put his money on - a turtle named "Colt .45". John has been captivated by the new and highly addictive sport of gambling on turtle races, which is becoming wildly popular in Central Texas. Young turtle racing enthusiasts from all over come to a local bar called "The Turtle" to bet on their favorite turtles, hoping to come home with a large turtle husk of winnings.

Despite its amazing popularity, watching these turtles race has proven to be a droll and boring activity. "It IS pretty boring. I usually fall asleep during the races, and my assistant wakes me up if I won. If I lose, he doesn't disturb my slumber until I do win," says a regular at the tavern, Ronnie Davis. "Right now I'm on my third assistant. The other two died of boredom, poor bastards" says Davis.

The races take place every other night, and they usually draw a large crowd to the bar. "People buy a lot of drinks, get drunk, and gamble, often dropping some money for us to pick up once the races are over," says the bars' owner. "We make huge profit on 'T-Racing nights' ...that's what we call turtle racing nights." he says. The owner came up with the idea having seen a Nascar race and thinking it would be even better with turtles. After purchasing a few of the wily reptiles, he tried it out. "People come from far and wide to see these races, despite how surprisingly boring they are," says the owner.

Every other day people from sometimes even fifty miles away enter the bar expecting a fun time. And many of them die or slip into a deep coma due to unrelentless boredom and high alcohol influence. And, many of the gamblers often sleep, keeping the place relatively quiet at night. Many say they hire assistants to do all of the work like watching the races and paying money, but they still get all of the money that they win and the assistant gets none.

The most amount of fatalities and hospitalizations are found in assistants, because they are the ones constantly having to watch things of extremely slow pace and boredom like no other. In the months that turtle racing has been popularized, the hospitals have had three hundred and ninety-seven turtle racing related comas alone. The death toll is slightly less. "This racing is real tough on the mind. It practically shuts down the person's brain it is so boring." says a well known doctor.

However, despite extreme boredom, several comas and deaths, and several potential lawsuits, turtle racing still remains a very popular activity in Houston. "Who gives a damn about people dying? We make some cash," says the owner.