UnNews:U.S. releases bin Laden home movies

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8 May 2011

Osama bin Laden seen relaxing at home in a newly released video found amongst the old socks, canned food, and mice droppings at his Ritzy Pakistani hideaway. (courtesy of the U.S. Department of Unobserved Cultural Manipulation)

Washington, D.C. - In the wake of much laughter and irresponsible analysis, the United States government has teamed up with Dreamworks Pictures to release a few videos portraying day-to-day life in a small townhouse in Pakistan, just to prove to the world that Osama bin Laden was in there. The White House also wanted to assure the public that bin Laden didn't quite die nine years ago, as many former high-ranking government officials and alternative media journalists are claiming.

"See, you can see him move," said White House press secretary Wendy Willie, "there, look again. And you can just make out the tiny birthmark of a unicorn on his chin, if you tilt your head a little and squint your eyes like they were underwater and just getting used to it."

In one of the videos a grey-bearded gentleman gleefully watches other fake videos of bin Laden on a '70s-era television without once turning his face to the camera. This vid shows several 110-volt electrical chords being used liberally and recklessly in Pakistan, a country which operates on a 220-volt electrical system. "Wouldn't this have set his rented house on fire the first time the television was turned on?" asked CNN's resident gadfly, Anderson Cooper. "What, oh, that. That can be easily explained," Ms. Willie said, "when you take into account that bin Laden was evil. Nitpicking about 110 volts, 220 volts, what possible difference can it make what size his volts were, he was evil. Next question."

"In other released videos stolen from the compound, which the White House mouthpiece said were recorded in 2010, a black-bearded bin Laden can be seen wearing the exact same clothes, his beard the exact same length, and the background exactly the same as videos shot in 2001 and 2002. The set-in-his-ways senior terrorist is even able to move in the same manner, down to the millimeter. How?" Cooper asked. "Never underestimate what someone like bin Laden can do, even without a net," Willie said, sweating like a horse that's just run two miles on a hot day. "If Mr. Laden wanted to look the same in 2010 as he did in 2002, that's his business. And due to the stress of living in a hovel while constantly surrounded by several demanding wives and children, the black in his beard would have naturally turned grey and vanished in a few weeks, just about the time the video of the old man watching TV - whose beard is totally white - was taken. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me seven hundred and twenty times, shame on you! Just shame on you. Next question."

"Why doesn't the TV set shown on the video flicker? Don't all old-timey televisions flicker when they are filmed?" asked Buffy, a five-year old reporter from Madison, Wisconsin. "What do I look like, a friggin' scientist?" Ms. Willie said while putting on her shoes, gathering up her things, and glancing towards the exit, "And why aren't you in school, little girl?"

The actor in the bin Laden suit startles when confronted with the terms of his contract: Silence or death. Take your pick, theater major, take your pick.

"Sam Donaldson here, ABC News," said Sam Donaldson, ABC News, "I've come out of retirement, adjusted my toupee, and traveled here from my ranch in Montana to ask you two simple questions: Why, when the actor playing bin Laden is changing channels, does the same scroll appear on the bottom without even a jump between any of the channel surfing? And the electrical chords hanging on the wall, why do they still have bends in them, as if they were just unfolded from their container? Riddle me this, Ms. Willie." "Sam, the answer to both your questions is that I'll get back to you. On a cold day in hell!"

Sam Donaldson was then forcibly restrained and escorted from the White House by three TSA agents, who seemed intent on searching his toupee for hidden glue, attache-strings, and sealing wax.

Alex Jones and other deranged pseudo-journalists were beside themselves. "People, wake up," said Jones, half-asleep in the back of his expensive look-at-me-I'm-so-not-dumb limo, "everything they tell you is a lie, everything they do now is being made up by someone with a degree in make-believe. Where are my box-cutters? Do you think I can take down a country with box-cutters. Didn't it happen just that way?"

Citing the obvious errors in the story, the videos, and the changing facts of the alleged bin Laden murder presented by government officials trying to sweep so many things under quite a few rugs, press secretary Willie summed it up by saying "What we have here is a failure to man-ip-u-late".

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