UnNews:UN announces new radiation symbol

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19 February 2007

The UN expects that the new symbol will limit cases of radiation poisoning down to the utterly retarded.

The United Nations, in cooperation with the International Atomic Energy Agency, unveiled their new symbol designating a hazardous radiation risk. The symbol is designed to immediately communicate danger to those lacking the mental ability to recognize the standard radiation trefoil. It was inspired by the US Witless Protection Program.

"The usage of this new standard will lead to a marked decrease in radiation damage to people who are, quite frankly, damaged enough themselves," said Eliana Amaral, Director of Radiation Safety. "While the old symbol was clear in and of itself to those intelligent enough to understand it, we must always accommodate the idiots, even if just from a humanitarian viewpoint."

Ban Ki-moon: "...a shameful, depressing, utterly hopeless indication of ... the world's decreased intelligence..."

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a declaration calling the new symbol "sadly, tragically necessary ... in our modern global climate."

The symbol, which depicts the current radiation trefoil emitting five wavy lines at a skull and crossbones and a running man over a blood red background, was designed over the course of a five-year study across all continents.

Not everyone believes in the new design.

"Why's the nuke symbol jizzing on a skull and a chav?" inquired Robert Walunas, 23, of London. "How does that show that shit'll kill you?"

Despite the extensive research put into the symbol and the great lengths made in order to ensure its message was universal, it has already failed on at least one occasion to save a life. An unidentified male was found dead near a toxic waste dump in Charleston, South Carolina earlier today. The male, flocked in a Dale Earnhardt jacket, blue jeans, and a Confederate flag trucker's cap, was found with a shovel and a wheelbarrow. Charleston Police spokesman Johnathan Carroll stated that "police investigators believe the male passed by the radiation symbol with his digging equipment with disregard to the dangers within. ... We believe he may have been spurred on by the rumors of buried treasure under the site that have been circulating of late since the original radiation sign was removed."