UnNews:US lobbying group forms, pushes for ban of all religious phrases

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14 December 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Organisation for Pushing for Enforcement of a Direct Ban of Any and All Religion-Related Utterances (OP-ED-BAA-RRU) was formed yesterday with much fanfare generated by toy trumpets. This is an organisation for pushing for enforcement of a direct ban of any and all religion-related utterances.

"Under the First Amendment," says Charles Stammerston, organiser of this organisation, "the government should not be allowed to insert any references to God, et cetera in the presidential swearing-in or the Pledge of Allegiance."

The First Amendment of the US Constitution effectively requires separation of church and state. So far, they've done a terrible job obeying the rules.

Stammerston does not want to stop there, however. He wants to ban any and all religion-related utterances.

"For example," explains he, "you would be required to say 'Season's greetings,' a fine religion-neutral well-wishing saying, instead of 'Merry Christmas,' which is just plain annoying for Jewish people, Hindus, Muslims, Scientologists, Flying Spaghetti Monster believers, atheists, agnostics, and so on. You would be swearing 'Oh, shoot!' or something else instead of even 'Oh, my gosh!' as some consider 'gosh' equivalent to 'God.'"

Stammerston has previously pushed for gender-neutral words to be required over gender-specific words. To set an example, he, a former school principal, changed all references to 'freshmen' to reflect 'freshpersons' and also 'History' class was changed to 'Recorded Past Events' class. This was not successful at all, and he hopes this will be more successful.

"I think this is very important for a very secular government to exist."

A possible punishment would be "crucifixion, death by food poisoning, natural death. Or future technologies will make it possible for temporary death, so you could spend a year dead for swearing 'Christ!'"

The Group Absolutely Against OP-ED-BAA-RRU, or GAA-OP-ED-BAA-RRU, also led by Charles Stammerston, thinks this is a seriously dangerous idea.

"We think this is pushing towards an atheist government, not a secular government," Stammerston says. "And you know what that leads to... communism."

Stammerston, 56, plans to run for Senator in his hometown, Nowhere, Nowhere, and to revive McCarthyism to hunt down "those dangerous Commies."