UnNews:UnNews to acquire Republican Party

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16 July 2010

The President says, "Michelle likes an evening of good Republican slapstick at the Capitol almost as much as a show on Broadway."

WIKIA CITY, California -- On the heels of signing employment contracts with Mel Gibson and Paul the Octopus, as reported, Wikia Inc. Corp. Ltd. today acquired the entire U.S. Republican Party.

The so-called "Grand Old Party" has masterfully ridiculed its adversaries, the Democrats, though leaving them in complete control of the United States government. As recent examples, the GOP has lampooned:

  • The Democrats for suing Arizona--claiming its new immigration law is invalid because "immigration is solely the job of the federal government"--after decades of applauding local sanctuary cities that invite foreigners there to defy immigration law.
  • The NAACP for passing a resolution calling the Tea Party "racist"--just as the Attorney General broomed the guilty verdict against King Samir "Kill the Cracker Babies!" Shamazz for intimidating white voters with nightsticks.

The GOP's sense of timing and ability to use irony to call attention to hypocrisy is masterful. Unfortunately, it is utterly incapable of governing, at least because no one knows what, if anything, it believes.

"It's time to face facts," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "We are a fine stand-up comedy troupe. We are simply not able to run the government." As few Americans know, the Leader's name is pronounced BAY-ner, not boner, though it was a major boner to duct-tape shut the mouths of Joe Barton and Joe Wilson, its only members who called out President Obama.

Last winter's election of Scott Brown gave the GOP the power to block laws such as Obama's health care reform--which it promptly failed to do. This month, the Democrats are reforming Wall Street with another two-thousand-page bill no one has read that gives the government new powers. Once again, the GOP was DOA, with Sen. Brown himself doing some of the editing. Presidential spokesman Barry Gibbs this week predicted that the GOP will re-take the House in November. However, Rep. Boehner admitted, "There's a good chance that, even if that happens, nothing will get fixed, although everything will get ridiculed."

Morris Greeley, Editor-in-Chief of UnNews, said, "With our acquisition of the Republican Party, UnNews acquires some really funny guys, and the nation is spared the sight of them bumbling from defeat to defeat. We will all be better off if they write side-splitting stories about this out-of-control government, instead of continuing not to fix it."


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.