UnNews:Vatican to field a football team in religious World Cup

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21 April 2010

The Vatican first eleven plus their spiritual coach line up for the team photo.

VATICAN CITY, Rome -- Vatican F.C. have confirmed that their church will be participating in the Religious World Cup in Armageddon, Israel this year.

Speaking in a confession box to a correspondent from UnNews, Father Sean Hannity said the Vatican had been preparing for this moment since at least 33 A.D. and had been training extra hard recently.

We're very good at crosses, whispered Father Hannity. My priests are also good at winging it with a prayer and passing the buck in the middle of the field. And when we need to play dirty, our team captain, Father Brute, will excommunicate the referee to change his decision. This no nonsense approach to other teams--after all, we are the ONE TRUE TEAM--has helped the spirit of my lads. This was why we beat the Mormons in the group stages and we washed the floor with the Southern Baptists as well. They were good at Saving but useless at putting the ball in the back of the net. Father Xavier's fantastic Hail Mary Pass to Father Oneshott also put paid to the United Reformed Church's team too.

This is the first time the Vatican have decided to play in the Religious World Cup. Hitherto, their team--nicknamed The Holy Cassocks--have not participated in earlier sporting competitions organized by the World Council of Churches on the grounds that only the Pope could pick their team. This has been against the rules since 1529 after a particularly hard match in Worms, Germany. There, the team representing the Catholic Church managed to disqualify all other teams taking part on the grounds of heresy and had burnt a few Protestants who had been slow to leave the city.

Sister Benedicta says 'Up the Cassocks' as she prepares to join the team as their masseur.

In this year's World Cup, other teams so far confirmed to be taking part are F.C. Constantinople representing the Greek Orthodox Church, Canterbury All Stars for the Anglican Church, and the famous Geneva Bible Thumpers standing up for the Calvinists. Others expected are the much fancied 'Ruthless' Lutherans from Wittenberg and the Moonies from South Korea. A team from the Amish community in the USA are currently enroute via long haul horse and cart. They hope to get to the tournament before it officially starts.

The controversial decision to host the event in Israel has led to a boycott from from Islamic countries. In a message broadcast from Mecca, the Saudi Arabian authorities wished that all those taking part in this tournament would be swallowed up the moment they ran on to the pitch and their souls damned for eternity. Hamas and Hezbollah were refused visas as they wanted to include in their football kits: suicide vests, detonators and car lock picking equipment. However, unofficially, the matches would be available in other Muslim countries via the Infidel TVSAD network (forged encryption cards available in Beirut).

Israel, who are hosting the religious sporting event, also declined to field a host team. They have promised to clear up the mines near the football pitch, which is located very near to the border with the Palestinian Authority. According to the main sporting authority on this tournament, the Bible, this clash of Christian religious sporting traditions will bring about the End of the World--unless it goes to penalties, in which case Team Soccer Satan will be declared the winners.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.