UnNews:Wainwright to undergo Tommy Gun surgery

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27 February 2011

Bought you two tickets to the gun show.

JUPITER, Florida -- The St. Louis Cardinals got bad news today, as Adam Wainwright, their first-string starting pitcher, will need to undergo reconstructive surgery on his elbow. Although this was little surprise to anyone, it may derail the Cards' hopes of going to the playoffs.

All hope is not lost, however, as Wainwright will not be undergoing the typical surgery in this situation. Normally, pitchers are put out for at least a season while healing from Tommy-John surgery, but in this case, the Cardinals organization has decided to go with the extremely controversial Tommy-gun surgery. The surgical procedure will replace the ulnar collateral ligament just like in Tommy-John surgery, but the ligament is replaced with a submachine gun. According to Tony La Russa, the Cardinals manager, We always thought Adam's fastball was a little like a bullet. Adding a few real bullets in there could really improve his mound presence. The only thing scarier that I can think of is Brian Wilson's beard.

Obviously, having a gun instead of an elbow will take a great deal of time to get used to. Wainwright will still be out for at least the 2011 season, but will be a much more formidable pitcher when he does return, most likely some time next year. When asked, Wainwright commented, With some practice I'll be able to literally mow down batters when I was only figuratively mowing them down before.

The claim that this procedure will give the Cardinals an unfair advantage was rebutted by pitching coach Dave Duncan, who said, Just think of it this way, if one of your players dies, then you don't have to pay him.