UnNews:Wikipedia report: No stupid dogs exist

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1 November 2006

Scooter, an award-winning novelist and playwright.

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida -- The on-line encyclopedia Wikipedia reported Wednesday that every breed of dog on the planet is an unqualified genius.

"They are intelligent, to the point that they should not be left to their own devices, and are happiest when mentally stimulated," said the Wikipedia entry on rottweilers. "Despite this, they can also be strong willed at times, and should be taught in a firm, consistent manner."

The rottweiler, however, is far from alone in its highly developed intellect. Wikipedia says the dachsund is "clever," with a surprising spiritual side.

"The dachshund is known for its deep and soulful eyes and complex and telling facial expressions, the eyes having an allure that is commonly mentioned in writings about the breed," says the entry.

The reports represent a major break from previous studies in animal intelligence. While mice, dolphins, chimpanzees, parrots, and to a lesser extent, humans were generally thought to be the world's smartest creatures, the hitherto untapped potential of man's best friend has sent laboratories racing to test their wits.

"Really, this was a bombshell," said Sonja Yoerg, author of Clever As a Fox: Animal Intelligence And What It Can Teach Us About Ourselves. "Harvard has already bought a number of schnauzers and placed sudoku puzzles in front of them. The dogs should be able to solve them quickly."

Other remarkably brilliant dogs include the Labrador Retriever, the American Pit Bull, the Golden Retriever and the American Eskimo Dog.

Wikipedia says the American Eskimo is a highly observant (and sometimes contrarian) commentator on modern life.

"Eskies are easily trained and very intelligent, as well as being strong-willed and independent," the entry says. "At home, Eskies make excellent watchdogs, barking to announce the presence of strangers."

Only the Collie, which reaches a "middle level of intelligence," lacks the ability to fill out complicated tax forms.

Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, standing outside Wikipedia headquarters with his Dalmatian Terry, said the news did not come as a surprise.

"Dogs have been frequently banned for putting vanity on their breed pages," he said, as reporters asked Terry about the McCain-Feingold Act. "I'll bet some of the entries had exaggerations in them."


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