UnNews:Wounded Marine wants gay ban lifted

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

2 March 2007

He may be only half the man he used to be, but SSG Eric Alva is taking on the U. S. Marine Corps, the Department of Defense, and his former commander-in-chief, President George Bush!

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Decorated Staff Sergeant Eric Alva, the first U. S. Marine seriously wounded in Iraq, lost his privates when he stepped on a land mine. Now, he has a prosthetic penis and artificial testicles. He has since come out of the closet, calling for changes in the military’s policy concerning gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites, and transsexuals who, disguised as fighting men (or, as the case may be, fighting “women”) in the nation’s armed forces, protect and defend truth, justice, and the Ameican way.

“I gave my most precious possessions in the service of my country,” Alva, sobbing unashamedly, told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “I’m only half the man I used to be, and, if I were a top instead of a bottom, my love life would be in big trouble. I think it’s only right and fair that the Marine Corps--and, indeed, all the military services--overturn the ban of the multi-sexual community of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites, and transsexuals and treat u as heterosexual breeders are treated: with honor and respect, instead of as sexual freaks and 'gender benders.'”

Losing his genitals, Alva said, forced him out of the closet. “Becoming a eunuch made me realize I had to speak up. As an illegal immigrant living in this great country, I have earned the rights to be gay and to impose my values on the rest of the citizens of the United States. After all, they were stupid enough to let me into their country--I mean, my country--and to let me stay here.”

Now that he has been discharged from military service, Alva has lots of time on his hand between boyfriends, and he spends much of it arguing with imaginary political adversaries as he tries to imagine what they might say in response to his views: “Okay, butt buddy,” he said in one of his imaginary harangues, “you go over there, to Iraq, and lose your private parts and we can talk about what I’ve actually sacrificed for my country. My genitals have fought and died for your rights and freedom.”

The Pentagon was not impressed with Alva’s argument. Spokesman General Tommy Frank N. Furter said, “Plenty of heterosexual Marines, soldiers, airmen, and sailors, some of whom were women, have lost their genitals--and even more have lost their lives--in defense of this country. Gonads have nothing to do with patriotism, valor, honor, or, for that matter, the defense of one’s country.”

“Well, if they don’t like that argument,” Alva said, “I have another: Banning homos threatens national security. The military is stretched thin because of President Bill Clinton’s downsizing it and because of his homophobic ’Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. As a result, homos who serve in critical military occupation specialties, such as staffing beauty salons, nail salons, makeover centers, and fashion accessories shops at local post exchanges, would virtually disappear overnight. Besides, who would do the cooking, the cleaning, and the table waiting at the NCO and officer’s clubs?”

The Pentagon, once again, was not impressed with Alva’s logic. “Those MOS’s are not ’critical,'" Furter contended, “and there aren’t that many gays in the military, anyway. Of the 2,000,000 servicemen and women, gays represent no more than five or six personnel.”

Furter’s estimate of the number of gay service personnel squares with the Government Accountability Office’s figures, which found that, of the 2,000,000 members of the nation’s armed forces, six are homosexual and are being discharged from their respective branches of military service on charges of having committed sodomy and other “conduct unbecoming the United States military.”

Alva said that the ban really results from a homophobic hatred of gays and should be considered a “hate crime.” “The brass just doesn’t want to see two men holding hands or kissing,” he suggested, “although they don’t seem to mind it when women do the same things, if they’re hot.”

Alva has not specialized military skills, but he had bought a dozen of the “prettier” combat decorations at his local PX and was sporting them when he stepped outside his vehicle to urinate or to masturbate (the record is unclear on this point) during a thick sandstorm and stepped on the buried land mine that left him emasculated for the rest of his life. He was airlifted to Baghdad, where he learned that he was forevermore a eunuch. “That’s bitter news to a guy like me,” he said, “but the Marine Corps can make things right by letting others of my kind serve their country they way I served the nation that I, as an illegal alien, adopted as my own.”