UnPaid Programming:The Z-list Celebrity Rehabilitation Fund

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Remember me? No? Remember Twiki the robot? "Beedie-beedie-beedie." No?

Danny Bonaduce. Tanya Harding. Todd Bridges. LaToya Jackson. Frank Stallone. The list of D-listers that refuse to leave us alone is a lengthy one. These famous-for-being-famous types, former child "stars", siblings of actually talented people and other fringe, otherwise unremarkable media personalities have today all they are ever going to get. For this skillful prolonging of their allotted fifteen minutes, perhaps they ought to be at least respected, despite our disgust.

But what about the others?[edit]

What about the countless former celebrities who, even in the prime of their lives, can't even get on "Ice-fishing with the Stars" on the Outdoor Living Channel?

People like Randolph Mantooth. His former "Emergency!" partner, Kevin Tighe, is in more films these days than John C. Reilly, and poor Randolph can't even get on a good Ponzi scheme time-share real estate infomercial, like Erik Estrada. And do you remember erstwhile African-Vulcan Tim Russ? What has he done since he removed the pointed ears? You never even see him in an obligatory otherwise-unrelated-character one-in-a-million time-travel scene in a spin-off Star Trek episode.

What can be done for these Z-listers? More pointedly, what can you do?

There is something you can do for them[edit]

Living long? Maybe. Prospering? No.

For less than the cost of a mocha latte per day, you can help one of these former celebrities re-invigorate their careers to D-list status, by contributing to this one-of-kind charity, the Z-list Celebrity Rehabilitation Fund.

For your generous contribution, you will receive a beautiful postcard with pictures of your sponsored Z-lister then and now, along with a little history to remind you where you have seen them before - in many sad cases as much as decades ago. Imagine your delight when you see your celebrity's photo, rack your brains to recall where you've seen that face before, then open up your card and slap your forehead with recognition. It's Frank Bonner, Herb Tarlek himself from "WKRP in Cincinnati"! You'll be relieved to know that he's still alive, and has even had a role or two since the early eighties. But you'll also feel the pain of his anonymity today, when you read how he can go to his local supermarket and no one will even point at him wide-eyed.

I was the cute one. On The Facts of Life. Please help.

Your contribution will support your celebrity's self-marketing efforts, as he or she signs up for auditions for shows like "Spike TV's Butter Wrestling with the Stars" and ubiquitous low-budget daytime commercials for no-questions-asked retirement healthcare coverage. You'll know you were an important part of his return to fame when he shows up in a local carpet store commercial saying "Remember me? I used to play an inept handyman in a T.V. sitcom. Today I trust my carpet installation to Bob's Carpet Blowout in downtown Cheyenne."

What's happening? Ehhh... not much. Got any spare change?

Won't you help? Many former stars, the non-Bonaduces, simply aren't showing up doing hilarious commentary on "World's Most Shocking Moments Caught on Tape". But you can help put an end to this travesty once and for all.

Also, for just pennies more...[edit]

Also, for mere pennies more, won't you contribute to another very important cause - the Z-list Intervention Fund? This is a special fund being set aside for the sake of future certain Z-list cases enjoying undeserved celebrity today. People like Katy Perry, Twilight vampire Robert Pattinson, and of course, Miley. Together, we can stop the inevitable tumble into obscurity that these unfortunate young stars are in for. But it will take all of us, working together.

So won't you help? Pick up the phone today. Put your extra coins to use for a worthy cause.

Z-list celebrities, and future Z-listers, are counting on you.