Uncle Fester

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“Uncle Fester farted, so I became retarded!”

Often Fester would be working in the darkest of places and instead of carrying a torch around he decided to be a little more inventive and fed 2 rods through his mouth, down his gullet and into his stomach creating a zinc-carbon battery. He then connected the remaining wires to a light bulb.

Uncle Fester is the author of best selling novel; 'Nitroglycerine is good for your bones'. He became the 547th pitied fool by Mr T in 1998 for his work in bomb-making. At the pitied ceremony it was heard that Mr T whispered in his ear "I ain't letting you shove no bomb up my ass," to which he replied "Oh I will, one day, I will". As he was walking off Mr T's own ass blew up leaving him in a wheelchair for the next 2 years until his own superhuman powers grew his own ass back.

The height of his success was in the 90s when he made his debut as an insane pyromaniac by drinking copeous amounts of Nitroglycerine which acidified in his stomach and blew his own intestinal tracts out of his own anus. The reason for why he did this is still unsure but it was thought that he still genuinely believed that the nitroglycerine was quote "good for my bones".

Uncle Fester was brother to the oldest ever human being, making him everyone's uncle. This is not to be confused with his relationship with the admin.'s family.

Fester's Hand[edit]

Apart from having a very bad body odour problem he had the cunning ability to detach his left hand. The left hand works independently from his main body and is often assigned random and often obsurd missions by Uncle Fester himself. One such mission was to cut a beaver nest found within a tree at the summit of mount everest with a wooden spoon attached to a string exactly 12 cms in length.

Festering Days[edit]

Often people may refer to the 'Festering Days' these were the days when people thought Uncle Fester was cool and everyone tried to be like him by making bombs and blowing themselves up. Due to the many health risks of doing such activities many of these people were killed.

The Festering days are thought to of ended when Uncle Fester himself blew off the entire volume of his frontal lobe within his brain. Complete dementure followed and Fester found himself eating what was left of his brain that very day and so ends the great tale of Fester, and the sun shall set in the west and people will go to bed thinking of love and happiness and the greatness that uncle Fester and his brains gave to this world and we shall dance and sing out loud as we bathe in his eternal glory, uncle Fester the great, uncle Fester the inanimate, uncle Fester the greatest human being that ever walked the planet earth.