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- 1000 BC - Vikings land on an inhospitable island they call Niv Iaerssei; this event later forms the backbone of The Saga of Rigaatoni Pennesson.
- 1592 - Elmunsucío Sánchez Columbus discovers Atlantis, but loses map and thus it is lost for all eternity.
- 1654 - John Morrisey drinks too much coffee and gets a vision of a gigantic coffee empire, with himself riding on a male star deer.
- 1781 - Benedict Arnold, tired of being called "Eggs Benedict" by George Washington, sells out to the British. He later begins a travelling show, called Hey Arnold!
- 1850 - Millard Fillmore installs the White House's first bathtub.
- 1915 - First Kiwanis Club Meeting. To this day they still can't figure out what their purpose is, but constantly argue over who has the better wife.
- 1991 - First ever "Yo-Mama Joke" is told. Violent bitch-slaps shortly follow.
- 1996 - Former Pink Floyd frontman Syd Barrett climbs the Empire State Building; some blonde chick knocks him off.
- 2000 - Aaron Copland conquers the Martians ... Historians vote "Best day ... Ever"
- 2008 - Tom Hanks falls off a bridge; there is much rejoicing.
- 2013 - Bob Barker dies from a Viagra overdose.
- 2036 - Tracy Morgan wins gold medal in Olympic Stand-up. Adam Sandler comes in third.