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- 1012 - The second coming did not happen.
- 1492 - Nothing happened. You didn't see anything, so it doesn't count.
- 1776 - The United States of America was always unquestionably free.
- 1812 - We had reasonable cause to attack.
- 1847 - The United States retaliated against a Mexican surprise attack.
- 1861 - The United States was always united.
- 1917 - The United States irrefutably wins World War I in late-inning heartstopper.
- 1945 - The United States irrefutably wins World War II in extra time. Germans claim the ball had not crossed the line. England don't care.
- 1965 - The United States irrefutably wins the Vietnam War in seven games.
- 1974 - President Nixon finishes out his "optional" term of office.
- 2001 - Heavy winds cause the World Trade Center towers to weaken.
- 2003 - The United States irrefutably wins the War in Iraq in a 4-game whitewash.
- 2005 - It is the policy of this Administration not to discuss ongoing investigations.
- 2006 - Global Warming? What Global Warming?
- 2007 - There is no Grand Conspiracy.
- 2012 - The world will not end.
- 9999 - Nothing will happen. Quite boring.