January 5: International day of Minor Hubris; International Have Sex Day
- 1166 BC - Ichabod Greyface gets pissed off at all the disorder in the world, and starts a curse that lasts forever until Discordianism comes along.
- 1630 - The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent forces Nicolaus Stuart to recant his heretical belief that God fucked up and made Jesus fall in the bathtub.
- 1794 - The French start to use Leonardo da Vinci's crude design of the helicopter to speed up the hefty guillotine lines.
- 1838 - Samuel Morse invents the first electrical telegraph and immediately sends out his first message: "49/m/mass here STOP any girls up for cyber? STOP"
- 1955 - Birth of wiskey maker and drunk-driving victim Johnnie Walker. (The Johnnie Walker Act of 1990 was named in his honor.)
- 1992 - In an emotional speech, IG-88 comes out to the world to announce he has tested positive for the Michelangelo Virus.
- 1994 - Richard Nixon dies. His body isn't discovered for another fifteen weeks due to the fact that no one cared to check on him.
- 1995 - 4 year-old Jerry is shot in the head, but suddenly wakes back up once it is realized that if he cannot grow to be 40, he cannot kill himself. A loop is created, and time branches off into a new thread from where Jerry went back in time. Temporal Mechanics is a bitch, huh?
- 2004 - FOX News denies reporting showing favor to Republicans and dismisses it as "a left wing conspiracy out to target our savior of all things freedom, George W. Bush."
- 2009 - President Barack Obama is sworn into office. Entire world thanks God his name isn't Bush. Or George. Or Hussein... Oye vey!
- 2031 - 40 year-old Jerry views his life as a bitch, and goes back in time to kill himself at the age of 4.