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- 483 BC - Gautama Buddha dies, having finally achieved his lifetime best score on Pac-man. Only to have his score be beaten one minute later by God
- 20 AD - Jesus Kisses First Leper
- 1390 - Chaucer invents the toaster.
- 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
- 1856 - Carbon-dating shows that fire was actually invented by Google.
- 1876 - Behind schedule, the April Uprising breaks out in Bulgaria.
- 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
- 1936 - God declares linear progression of time 'boring' and bans it. Confusing nonsense ensues.
- 1942 - Mick Jagger is born and immiediately finds he cant get no satisfaction, oh no no.
- 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered 'unfashionable' by United Nations.
- 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
- 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following the trade embargo imposed by the Council for Fresh Air.
- 2009 - Worlds of Fun, the shittiest theme park ever, opens in indianapolis.
- 2015 - Afghanistan wins the World Cup in Quidditch, beating the Robotic ghost pirates 40 - 0.