Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:It's worth learning Bahasa Indonesia (2nd Opinion)

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Why?:It's worth learning Bahasa Indonesia[edit]

I ask for the second Opinion. It's already got a good review which can be seen here. It got nice score and reviewer didn't ask for many changes but I corrected what he asked for and I put it here again.

Polisz.jpgPtokh-BenthonytchnoeHey! You can buy some sausage I illegally smuggle to Uncy! 21:56, January 26, 2010 (UTC)

I suppose I should review something before I forget how. I know nothing about Bahasa Indonesia, but if I did I wouldn't need to learn it, would I? Look for a review within 24 hours. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  23:47, February 5, 2010 (UTC)
I chastised someone else for delaying their reviews, and now I'm doing it, and for that I'm very sorry. I've had a lot of messages on various pages here to answer, am getting IC going, etc. I've logged on three times thinking, "I'll do the review now," but then found I had a lot of questions to answer, updates to do, etc. I started a review, but haven't finished it. If someone else wants to do it, that's fine with me. If no one takes it before Monday, 8 February, I'll do it as I got Royal Hobart Regatta off--I really should reserve Sunday for getting IC going. Again, I'm very sorry about the delay. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:12, February 6, 2010 (UTC)
I'll have this article reviewed quicker than you can say "Apa kabar." Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  23:13, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer

I like introducing myself so the reviewee will know how unqualified I am. I was named RotM, so some people think I don't totally suck. But I know virtually nothing about Bahasa Indonesia, which I hope is OK because that means I need to learn why it's worth learning (also I would imagine the vast majority of the readers will know virtually nothing about it either).

Concept: 7 The concept seemed to be, well, Why?:It's worth learning Bahasa Indonesia. It clearly fits the title, which is good. And the article almost alwasy stays on track, which is also good. But the concept itself is rather limited. Still, with more development in the writing, I think it can work just fine.
Prose and Formatting: 4 I add Humour comments in with P & F so I don't repeat myself unnecessarily, but do score them separately.

Your score isn't higher primarily because of the non-standard English usage, which I talk about below.

Your intro

"And finally you've noticed that all your friends learn a foreign language and you waste your precious time in front of computer?"--there's no sentence more important than the first, and I found this awkward. It switches tense from "you've noticed" to "you waste." "boring (no) life of geek" I'd like better as "boring lifestyle of geek" (yes, technically that usage is slightly improper, as is the original version, but I find it funnier). There's also "to choose language" instead of "to choose a language" and others. I won't list them all, but see my next paragraph.
I may have asked this before, but English isn't your original language, right? You're obviously fluent in English, but some of your phrasing isn't characteristic of standard English. I'd say put it up for Proofreading, but that service is largely inactive right now. I'd suggest you find a helpful editor to assist you with that. And I'm sorry, but even though I've tutored students who had English as a second language, right now I'm too busy with IC to have time to give you the assistance you deserve. I see Sog1970 has been helpful, (even though that editor made one of the mistakes I point out--well, nobody's perfect.)
Another possibility--if you wanted to make this sound like it was written by a native speaker of Bahasa Indonesia who isn't proficient at English, then you'd want to make the phrasing sound even less like standard English.
"I'd like to present you several reasons to encourage you to learn the noble Bahasa Indonesia!"--as a reader, this makes me want to see what these reasons are. Good.

Reason one

"increase to prestige in the community."--should be "increase your prestige in the community."
"Some others learn those that used to be popular several years ago, but learning Japanese language is nothing exceptional nowadays."--I didn't get the point of this sentence. If it was popular years ago, that implies that it's not popular now, but the sentence says learning it is not exceptional nowadays, which would imply it is popular now.
Supplement to reason one
I'm sorry I'm not much help here--this could use some rewording, but I don't have specific suggestions for how to do it.

Reason two

I think the idea of being able to insult people when they don't know it works, but think you could add to it. Maybe you could suggest they speak the most vile insults possible in a friendly tone with a polite smile so they don't get their teeth punched out, or something like that.

Reason three

I know Portugese is the most common language in Brazil (more speakers there than in Portugal, if I remember what I learned in a class of 13 or so years ago). But it might be funnier if your narrator didn't know that. Maybe something like "Imagine arriving in Brazil without even being able to ask for directions in Brazilese." "a few hours someone calls police because some fucking whitie is screwing around."--I didn't get this sentence. For one thing, it assumes the reader is white.

Reason four

This section really didn't work for me. If there's so many channels in German, why not learn German?

Reason five

Missing "d" on "scientists on't"--I know that's probably just a typo. But I didn't find this section funny.

Reason six

I like the idea in this section. You can get a job as a translator as opposed to trying to fulfill some hopeless dream. But it could use rewording--again, much of the sentence structure here isn't standard English. I suggest getting someone to work on this with you.

Reason seven

I'm probably more familiar with the Julius Malema article than almost anyone here, with the exception of BlueSpiritGuy who wrote it and possibly ChiefjusticeDS. But I didn't find this section at all funny, so I'd recommend cutting it.

Reason eight

"Did you know that over 200 million people speak this language? I bet you did - I mentioned it already."--the article didn't mention it. I'd cut the "I bet you did...." part and leave the rest as it leads into a joke.
"And that means that 183 million people will understand what you say without being able to laugh at your accent because theirs are even worse."--I liked this part, although I might change "theirs are" to "theirs is"--the first version is traditionally more correct, but the usage is changing.
"Do you see this? Just go and learn. Nobody will see your incompetence!"--I didn't this part helped the article.

'Reason nine

I generally liked this. I didn't get "You've already changed your skin color."--from what to what? Again, the article may be assuming the skin color of the reader. And as throughout the article, the English usage could use some work. Also this is just an idea, but there is controversy over how much of the language Obama actually knows--maybe you could use that.


I thought this was fine, but could use some rewording (again, English usage).
Humo(u)r: 4 There were some parts I found funny, as I talked about above. Some others I might have found funny if it was reworded.
Images: 7 I thought the images were OK, but really, how many great images are there for an article about a language? The caption on the first image could use some rewording. On the second, Demo_suharto.jpg, I was guessing that was some kind of protest, but the caption didn't tell me that. I think it would be better if it did. I thought the Poor Orangutannie image was fine, but don't get why it's spelled Orangutannie here and Orangutan in the article. I actually rather liked the Julius Malema caption, but only because I already read that article (and as I said above to me the J.M. section didn't work). Most of your readers will likely know nothing about this guy, and won't get the joke. I think the Obama image is fine.
Miscellaneous: 5.5 Average of above.
Final Score: 27.5 Again, one of the main problems I found was the use of English. I'd strongly recommend getting someone who's a talented writer and very proficient with English to work with you on this. Good luck with your article!
Reviewer: Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  23:13, February 8, 2010 (UTC)