Uncyclopedia Health Service/Store

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Online Store
Cpsules.JPG Mystery Pills
Headache? Back-pain? In-laws visiting? You need a big ol’ jar of mystery pills; with names like Tyroixil, Zealot, and Olipro these pills must cure something[1].


More than you can afford USD

Surgicalwhiskey.jpg Surgical Whiskey
What is the most important piece of medical equipment someone can possess? No, not band aids or clear judgment but a big flask of cool Tennessee whiskey. Whether it be a sprained ankle, horrific chainsaw accident or just a very cranky baby, nothing relives the pain like the amber colored elixir of life.

Instructions for use;

Step 1. Approach injured person and kneel down. - Step 2. Hold flask with spout pointing upwards, remove cap. - Step 3. Press the bottle to the lips of the unfortunate victim… you. - Step 4. Drink half the contents, look as if you are taking control of the situation – poke them with a stick or take their wallet. - Step 5. Scull the rest – also take their watch if it is not a fake. - Step 6. Run. You don’t want to get icky blood on your nice new shoes. - Optional - Step 7. Poke them again. -

Flask: £27.99UK
Whiskey: Don't think you’re getting any.

Nursejaphealth.jpg Japanese Nurse
She make much good time! Like eastern wind of relaxation on stressed western spine. Have plenty much experience with elderly care, tentacles. Price being very pleasant!
¥499 per summer flight of the swallow.
Handbox.jpg Human Arm
Ever wanted to carry all those bags of shopping, become a legendary piano player, or simply have a disembodied human arm? Well this is the perfect thing for you.

The human arm allows you to reach places you never thought possible, do things that you never would have imagined and break laws you never knew existed.

A great present for all ages - Nothing says “I love you!” like a big hairy arm! It is also a perfect mobility aid for the elderly, allowing you to grab (or at least knock over) things from a distance with ease.

From holding up shelves too a nice side dish with turkey, it is clear that a human arm is a must have for everybody!
£4.99UK, $8.99US - while stocks last.

Unihealthcare.png Universal Healthcare
The one size fits all, care for the sick and diseased masses. Not available for our US customers.
$490Bil US
  1. Like an overweight wallet.