“Where's your Ungod now? No really?”
“Leave me out of it. It's not my work and if you try to tie me in with this shambles you'll be hearing from my solicitors.”
“Our client refutes any claim for alimony or support in this case. We are currently in the process of applying for a restraining order”
Ungod the involvement free deity. Also known as the Absent Minded Designer, is thought by many to have created this universe by accident. This 'rogue' creation just popped into existence somehow. Perhaps he got a bit loose with his buildin' 'n' creatin'. Tricky to keep track sometimes, you how it is. Perhaps he was pissed, we may never know.
Many people have commented on the incredible beauty and unbelievable complexity of the universe. This has led many to hypothesize that the world is 'Too complex to have been created by random actions directed by evolutionary imperative over billions of years' and also 'too beautiful to be a function of the way our subjective and emotional brains react to our co-evolving environment'. These people are idiots. However they are are not wrong, the actual story is both far stranger and much more mundane than the both evolutionists and creationists would have us believe.
In Search of Truth
The truth is that a creationist deity or 'Great Maker' exists. He (and he is a he)has been involved in bringing universes into existence for all eternity. His problem is that although his power is infinite his imagination is not. Most of his universes are what could best be described as monocultural, worlds consisting entirely of cubic life forms in various colours that stack up to form pretty patterns for example. Though he has been trying through all eternity he has consistently failed to bring into existence a universe of any lasting quality. His best effort being a world of bouncing yellow gas balloon type creatures that fought constantly over the only red spot in an world otherwise completely coloured the same shade of yellow. The lack of offensive weapons or dangerous appendages, together with the difficulty of discerning such well camouflaged adversaries meant it took a little under four days for the life forms to destroy each other. A piss poor record I'm sure you'll agree.
At some point, while utterly pissed off with his constant failure. He rolled up all his current works and threw them all in the waste compactor then went on a six day bender with his best mate Jack Daniels (Who's holy name is commemorated to this day though the origins are lost in the mists of time) and some of the guys. On returning to his office he found that during the week, between the fishing ,the pizza and the road-house hookers, he had built a new universe. This bastard offspring of his creative imaginings had indeed thriven. Since that day it has been a constant thorn in his side that, though the conscious outpourings of his power consistently fail, this mongrel world which he created by accident continues. Because of this he absolutely refuses to have anything to do with us and will not under any circumstances intervene. To be sure he hears our prayers but they are like a knife to his heart and the more he hears the more it racks him off. Best leave him alone.
A little known (or adhered to) sect has grown out of these truths. Known as the Church of the Lost Weekend. It's members point to many aspects of the creation that are 'not very good' as proof of the absence of forethought. As the prophet Dave stated during the great rant just before he was clubbed unconscious by his followers:
- "...Duck Billed Platypus, breasts bigger than DD and, for gods sake, testicles on the outside should convince anyone that no one's thought about this... but the hairy arse-crack is the clincher, I mean WTF good is that. If I was god I sure wouldn't have any hair down there. In fact I'd make it nice and smooth and covered in Teflon. Dinosaurs is another good one. They're all dead. What possible good were they if they died out ages ago and no one noticed. And ten million different sorts of beetles, come on! you really think someone did that on purpose.
- Why make babies come out of a dick sized hole, it's like putting in a cat flap for your great dane or building a boat in the kitchen, not intelligent see. You either need dick sized babies or baby sized dicks. Either that or a zip up womb. For fuck's sake people think about it. And while I'm on the subject what about..."
Ungod is not alone and was once married. Like his creations though it didn't last long. There was an offspring however. The daughter of Ungod is known as Unjesus or 'Tracy'. She spent her formative years Living with her mother in Dagenham but weekended in heaven with her father. For her gap year while at university (media and film, Cardiff) She opted to walk the earth telling stories and saving people (it was either that work at a summer camp in the US and you know what a con that can be). She was largely ignored and although her original plan called for 'disciples, about twelve or so' she found herself very short on followers and had to content herself with a stray dog to which she gave scraps. She had originally hoped to be turned in to the authorities and crucified so that she could rise again and save mankind but in the event no one could be bothered to betray her so she just rose. She spent the rest of that summer at her best friends parents place in the Algarve and got off with a waiter called Jose.
She went on to get a 2:1 and now works as a runner at the BBC where she once met Alan Rickman (He's soooo nice and not at all snooty or anything). Hopes to get into directing or producing one day.
Books of the Unbible
When the followers of the prophet saw the truth of the great rant they wished to pass on this truth to as many others as they could (but not door-knocking like the Jehovah Witnesses because that is so uncool and you have to wear suits and ties and stuff). So their leader Jeff called on the church to commission a great book. After a couple of hours thinking they realised that none of them could really be bothered so they set up a wiki. Several people entered references in the wiki which was called the Unbible. Two just said fuck repeatedly and one said "Jeff is a noob" and so were huffed. The followers realised that they would have to moderate the great work but after a few days of deleting rude words and Mis-spelt nonsense they realised that that too was too much trouble so they cut out all of the crap and locked it down. When they were finished only one verse remained. This described the beginning of the world as it was the only time Ungod was involved.
Chapter 1 verse 1:
- "Though he resteth on the seventh day he was unquiet and an unease discomforteth him. His head spliteth and he could not face his lunch. He looketh round and discovereth that which he had discovereth not and seeth what he had seeneth not. What he saweth was not good and it pleaseth him not. Where it cometh from he kneweth not but he suspecteth that he fucketh up somewhere. He passed over the land and noticeth a garden and he called the garden someplace and he careth not for it for it was crappy. In the garden was man not yet come to his full age and a woman not yet come to her full age and lo they did hang and they chilleth. Though it troubleth him he could not be arseth with it as he had a barbecue to getteth ready and he had refridgerateth not the beers even unto half an hour before the lads cometh round."
This was translated in later editions as:
- "On the seventh day Ungod noticed something. He wasn't sure what it was or how long it had been there but it wasn't very good. It looked like a couple of kids were pissing about in a garden or something. He was hungover and had a lot to do so he left them to it."