United States presidential election

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An Electoral College member attempts a difficult "fungee."

Presidents of the United States of America are elected via highly competitive games of Drimmel, a field sport wherein two teams of twenty players each attempt to get a small ball, known as a "ballot," into their opponent's goal, called an "Executive Braunch." Along with points scored for goals, additional points are awarded to teams completing complicated plays, such as fungees, willans, and watergates.

Two major leagues - Democrats and Republicans - have dominated the elections for the past several decades. Other smaller leagues, such as the Independents, have fielded teams in the past, but seldom have the skills, financial resources or broad popular appeal to last to the championships.

Teams feature players from all over the United States. Finalists and all-star team members are determined through a series of smaller state-focused contests, known as "primaries." A common feature of the primaries are "debates," in which top players from each league compete against each other and members of other leagues in front of a television audience.

The championships, sometimes called "November Madness," involve a nationwide, head-to-head contest between the best teams in each league. Points are gained in proportion to the size and population density of each state, and these are then tabulated by a group of 9 judges appointed by the current champs. Recent elections have called the fairness of this rule into question, but changing any election rule is a long and complicated process with little chance of success.

The American Dream

Champions are allowed to keep the trophy, a large White House in Washington, DC, for four years or until the untimely death of a team captain, which happens surprisingly frequently.

If the incumbent president's name is George W. Bush, he can get another, oh, five thousand terms.

Proposed Alternatives to the Current System[edit]

  • In 1824, Henry Clay suggested that the Presidency be decided by "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100..." It was rejected by Congress on the grounds that most presidential candidates have trouble counting.
  • Ralph Nader proposed a system in which the candidate who has written the most books entitled "Unsafe at any Speed" will be elected. But nobody listens to Ralph Nader.
  • Senator John Kerry (Also known by his rapper name, "D-Mass") decided that an arm-wrestling competition among the electoral college would be the best way to decide. Then he changed his mind and voted against his own proposal in favor of banishing the electoral college. Then he decided to vote for increased funding for the electoral college. Then he resigned to run for President again. Then he decided he didn't want to run for President and tried to repeal his resignation, after he had already voted both for and against a measure which made resignations permanent. Then he got shot by Dick Cheney. The End.


United States Presidential Elections
1800 • 1840 • 1948 • 1960 • 2008 
See also: HowTo:Win a Presidential Election in the USA • Political advertising