Universal Testicularism

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Universal Testicularism is a cult of approximately 250 members in and around the Barrington area. It started in February, 2004 by Chris Bove and Bobby Schramm. Unfortuantely, because many non-members do not take the cult seriously, it has not yet received as much recognition as it may have wanted.

Basic Beliefs[edit]

Our universe is inside the scrotum of the god named KWJYKUUP( the first five letters are silent). Our god lives in his own universe with other gods containing other universes. All the planets and stars are his many testicles and humans are his sperm. When a human dies, his soul gets ejaculated into either a good female god (heaven), a bad god (hell) or when our god is masturbating (purgatory). Catastrophes usually occur when god is having sex, and most deaths not during catastrophes occur during god’s weak perpetual masturbation. Earthquakes occur when god gets kicked in the balls.


Scenario1) The universe started when our god’s balls dropped aka Big Bang Scenario 2) The Big Bang occurred immediately after the “Great Evaculation”, when everything now in our universe was sucked in through God’s urethra. The word evaculation comes from ejaculation and vacuum. Branches) The “Oners” are a branch that believe in scenario 1 and the “Twoers” believe in Scenario 2. Many, however, are undecided


Every year since the Big Bang until Feb 9,2004 are measured like B.C. but are called A.C. (after creation). Years preceding 2/9/04 are named A.P. (after prophecy). Each season is considered a month and members of this religion only can get to heaven during spring and fall of every 40th year after A.P.

How to Worship[edit]

There are no meetings until the “sacred seasons” because members tend to kill one another before those times. This is true because the goal of this religion is not simply to get into heaven, but to fertilize the female god’s egg. Therefore you want to kill off your competition before those seasons so they go to hell or purgatory. When you fertilize the egg, you become an angel and then a god yourself. Some members who wait until fall when less people commit suicide to make it to heaven must recruit new members so restart the religion during the summer. Members must be in the religion for one year before being able to make it to heaven. Most prayers are to god that they can live until the sacred seasons.