University

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Emblem of the University system

“University is hard. We work 23 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 2 weeks a year.”

~ University student on university life

University is an establishment that is intended to increase knowledge and understanding of various subjects. However lately, it is there to serve the purpose to allow people to have an excuse to get in debt and get drunk.

Students[edit]

In the good old days, students were the most educated recipients of a sense of undeserved entitlement in the education system.

Unlike the lower education system, university students are not expected to come into university or attend class in any means, due to their inherent laziness. Students are mainly nocturnal creatures, spending most of their time sleeping and/or drunk. Like most nocturnal creatures, they have highly developed senses, which allows them to find alcohol faster. Students are notorious for being able to find a substance resembling alcohol in any situation, and Bear Grylls once bowed down to a student who was able to extract a comparable liquid in the only remaining scorpion in Ethiopia that was not infected with AIDS.

Not conforming to previous stereotypes of students, today's students seem to have an IQ lower than the average person, which is ironically caused by the drawback of living the student lifestyle.

Current University Dean[edit]

Al Gore, current University Dean

The current University Dean is Al Gore, elected by the College of Professors in 2000 AD. The reason he lost to George W. Bush in the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election is because the Governor of Florida was assassinated by Bill Clinton 2, who assumed the body of Jeb Bush and rigged the vote to favor George W. Bush so Al Gore could take the far more important position as University Dean.

Bill Clinton 2 is expected to be the favorite in the 2010 University Dean election.

University Motto and Slogans[edit]

Secret Motto[edit]

"Assassinatum pro Humanitate"

English translation: Assassinations for Humanity.

This secret motto represents the goal of the University system: to kill people who are boring and unnecessary.

Public Motto[edit]

Highonphonics.jpg

"I've spent all my parents' money on beer."

Slogan[edit]

Dean "of Iran" once was asked what the exact purpose of the University system was, and what he said has become somewhat of a slogan around Universities across the world:

"We may or may not do a bunch of things, but regardless, we're all really, really, really, really smart."

What it is all about[edit]

Classes[edit]

All classes are optional, and run Tuesdays-Thursdays, 1:00pm - 3:00pm. Classes are where most university students go to get a good day's sleep. Along with sleeping it is somewhere to go when you are not drinking. In the winter many classes are canceled in harsh weather conditions (less than 2 degrees).

Freshers Week[edit]

The one time of year when everwhere you look there's fresh clunge to get stuck into. Although that may seem a little rapey, 99% of men have thought that exact phrase at some point. The 1% who haven't are the 1% that attend Oxbridge universities, which means the phrasing went more along the lines of, "Golly gosh I'm glad there are more females around, I wouldn't half mind fornicating with an indispensable portion of them." Freshers week undoubtedly means if don't have a student card, or are too old, you have to wait outside the clubs until 3AM before you can choose your target for the evening, when they inevitably stumble out into your awaiting 3 arms.

Getting Drunk[edit]

Sure, for you American types drinking can seem like a mischievous act you do at University as a way to 'fight the system' and have fun. But for all the countries that aren't governed by retards (where the drinking age is a sensible 16-18) drinking becomes a way for your son/daughter to become more enthusiastic about their potential homosexuality. Not only are inhibitions lowered, but quite often so are underwear. Cider; often referred to by the 'cool kids' as "Liquid Fornication", is bought by the average student in the form of either Frosty Jacks or White Lightning. The reason: it's cheap, which is why only the students and homeless people buy it.

See also[edit]