University of Alabama
- Information regarding the Crimson religious faction redirects here.
The University of Alabama football program was founded in 1831, with the annual academic seasons beginning in 1892. The University, commonly reffered to as UA or Bama, is located in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The University is joined in the state by its son and daughter universities the University of Alabama in Birmingham (UAB), and the University of Alabama in Huntsville (UAH) which have no current ties with the main institution. It is not to be confused with its great grandaughter, the University of Alabama in Birmingham's Health Center Huntsville (UABHCH). Nor is the central quad to be confused with the African savannah, with its abbundance of elephants, giraffes, squirrels, hippos, lions, and dead tigers.
Campus Athletics consists primarily in practicing the Crimson football religion. The elders routinely tell younger Bamians tales of long ago:
As the legend goes: Saturdays in the fall were celebrated by priests and devotees' pilgramage to Denny Stadium. St. Bryant ushered in a welcome plague by flooding the Tuscaloosa streets with crimson water. This in turn coined the nickname the "crimson tide" and replenished the local elephants of their thirst. These were wonderful days filled with victory and mentally challenged football players who went on to become war heroes and shrimp boat captains.
Unfortunately for the Crimsoniacs, the golden age of Alabama football has passed. The Crimson Tide made a deal with Saban and offered him a sacrifice: 24 billion dollars collected by pooling their Georgia lotto winnings, black market houndstooth hat sales, and charity funds. This proved insufficient, however, and Saban punished them with humiliating losses to 3 rival colleges, 2 high schools, and a girls field hockey team from Maryland.
University politics is still dominated by St. Paul 'Bear' Bryant, who served as state high priest of Crimson until 1981. His houndstooth hat dictates policy on such issues as campus parking, dormitory housing, allumni recruiting, giant fire hydrant construction, publicity, and the occasional terrorist attack on local bars. Another player in campus activities are the machines. Originating from Sparta, these robots have since infiltrated the SGA and campus life.
The University gained national recognition under the actions of former University Bouncer, Gov. George Wallace. George ended up losing his battle over campus lighting requirements with the American Military's National Gardeners. As a result, all the trees on campus are oaks.