University of Illinois

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“Giving you credit for the classes you took at our recommendation would undermine the integrity of the degree.”

~ Dean of Engineering

“As for the controversy regarding the chief, let's just ask the Illini what they think. Oh yeah, they're dead.”

~ Alumnus Harith Tamimie

“Smell that? Thats the smell of success! Or maybe cow feces, im not sure...”

~ The average UIUC student

The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, commonly known as UofIwhytheheckisthereaChair?, or (for Asians) United of Indians and United of Chinese, is the only worthwhile entity of the UI school system. The other schools (springfield, chicago) are meant to comfort those who couldn't make it into UofI and provide them with a false reality of campus. The site of the campus sits atop an ancient indian burial ground, which is the reason for the school's beloved mascot, Chief Illiniwek. Most students attend UIUC after ruining their father's Porsche, failing interviews with Princeton, turning their home into a brothel, or becoming a Scientologist. Once they have failed out of UIUC, they go on to attend Parkland College, an institution of somewhat higher prestige, located in the same community. The university is most well known for its Morrow Plots which were the first experimental opium fields in the United States.

The most common moniker for UIUC is University of Illinois - Under Construction, please remember to pronounce the 's' at the end of Illinois. The fact that the university is constantly under construction in at least seven places is not disputed and is possibly responsible for many of the "late nighters" students experience, although it is entirely possible that these are caused by promiscuous students talking about how sexy each other's tractors are. It is also common for undergraduate students to harass professors about joining their research in teleportation (not quantum teleportation, the Star Trek kind). Evidently we do that here at UIUC.

Alumni from UIUC include Hugh Hefner, Moses, Jerry Colangelo and Hanky the Christmas Poo. The university is also well known for graduating people who watch movies for a living.

Typical Student Life[edit]

Student life at UIUC consists mainly of drinking, classes, drinking, drinking, Unofficial St. Patrick's Day and then maybe some late night drinking. You know, to blow off steam. If you're not into the drinking scene, you can always:

  • Sit in your apartment
  • Sit in one of the libraries (we have lots)
  • Sit in one of the class buildings (again, lots)
  • Hit quad pedestrians with rogue frisbees
  • Play horseshoes
  • Study (just kidding . . .)
  • Stare at corn
  • Swim in the Boneyard
  • Take a Massive dook on the step of some fancy Sorority. (Usually done drunk, but if you're that messed up I suppose you could do it sober.)
  • Get arrested by the armed guards in the basement of the Beckman Institute.
  • Vomit everything you ate from Late Night at PAR.

As with most colleges, UIUC is a great place to meet your future spouse. This university has a rich history of having students get married, then be horribly disappointed twenty years later when their offspring don't go to school here because of poor ACT scores. Because of the sheer number of students on campus (well over 39), there are many weddings at Foellinger Auditorium. Usually, girls get into fights months in advance to secure this auspicious site for their ceremony. It is interesting to note that well over 100% of marriages that involve a UIUC student end in the death of at least one person.


They had a pretty awesome basketball team in 2005, but they blew it in the National Championship, so no one remembers or gives two shits. Their football team usually consists of talentless, over-hyped recruits who cant beat Ohio State. They had a pretty decent 2007 season, but they blew it in the Rose Bowl, so no one remembers or gives two shits. They usually have a good men's tennis team, but who gives two shits?


  • UIUC has the largest Greek system.
  • UIUC has the largest geek system.
  • UIUC has the largest campus bus system. Unfortunately, the university could not afford tires for the buses, rendering them useless.
  • UIUC has EE, Civil, AgE, MatSE, and CompE programs ranked top in the nation.
  • UIUC also has a CS program ranked top 5 nationally, but this author can tell you that it's a bold faced lie. But as long as employers fall for it... I guess I'm cool with it.
  • UIUC even has top 5 nationally ranked programs in AB, CD, EX, CO2, and other abbreviations which shall remain unexplained so that no one can verify this claim.
  • UIUC has a lot of soybeans
  • UIUC is where The Booze News was started
  • UIUC has the first bus system to proudly display the word "cum" on the side of its buses via advertising for the public transportation website,
  • Do you smell that? That's the smell of success. Not to be confused with the smell of livestock feces. Close your windows in the summer.
  • The only thing to do in central Illinois is drink. A lot.
  • You have pissed in the Morrow Plots.


The engineering campus at UIUC, aka North of Green, aka the last bastion of virginity in Illinois, is home of many important inventions. In the late 1950s, a group of three operators and five graduate students provided operational support for the Illiac I. The 2,800 vacuum tubes financially devistated the university and nothing special occurred for four decades. In the early 1990s, Marc Andreessen invented the Internet along with Al Gore. Andreessen later went on to found Netscape, while Gore became a surrogate mother. On 12 January 1997, the first HAL 9000 was activated at a plant in Urbana, Illinois. By the year 2001, homicidal tendencies were identified and the devices were restricted to teaching graduate coursework only.

Roaming Campus[edit]

At the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, you will find that:

  • busses never come when you need them (possibly due to lack of tires) and as a rule of thumb, they will only come once you have left the bus stop by a distance greater than that which you could run in the given time until the bus arrives.
  • if you are walking, you will get hit by a bicyclist. That is, of course, if the "MTD Death Squad" doesn't get you first.
  • The Jamba Juice located in the Student Union does not accept gift cards. They are a franchise instead of corporate owned. Lame.

Also a recently discovered tidbit is that Illinois also has other public universities which have been around 5,310 years and all suck, with the exception of The State of Illinois University (sometimes known as Illinois State) which you do not need a compass to find. ISU (Izzu) is home to the land of Atkin 12, located just outside of the realm of Chicago.