University of Maryland

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The University of Maryland is located at the heart of the world's only zoned global landfill: Prince George's County, located in the otherwise occasionally-scenic half-state of Maryland.

It is unique in that it is the world's largest place of higher learning devoted solely to the education of children afflicted with Infant Onset Chronostatic Gigantomorphism. It fuses the overcrowded, depersonalized education-by-proxy of an average large university with the rage-inducing ennui of a cowtown degree mill.


Founded in 1836 by a rogue band of racists, narcissists and bed-wetters, the University of Maryland originally began as a homeless shelter aimed at ridding Maryland of its long-standing and well-documented struggles with violent crime, narcotics abuse, psychological disorders, and public defecation. Building the university was no small endeavor, given the fragile psyches, blubbery frames, and general laziness of the state congressmen. Fortunately for them, slaves were in season and the 1835 harvest was particularly good. Over the past few years, the state legislature had also collected over $47 billion via the taxation of opiate sales.

The University shelter functioned for twelve years, until the DARE program intervened and informed the racists and bed-wetters that education was the best deterrent. Operating under strict orders from the shelter director, volunteers (the same "volunteers" that brought you cotton and peanuts from Georgia around that time) boarded up the windows and doors and the racists and bed-wetters began to teach. However, due to inbreeding, lack of curriculum standards and terminal ineptitude, students began to develop Asperger's syndrome and have since devolved into the specimens seen today, often able to do no more with their lives than fall out of bed every morning and forget the morning every evening, if you know what I mean.