University of Nevada, Reno
“Flush twice. It's a long way to the D.C.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the University of Nevada, Reno
The University of Nevada, Reno, (also known as UNR, Nevada, or John Mackay University of Mackay at Mackay) is an overflow high school in Reno, Nevada built to serve the needs of Northern Nevada's growing population of adult meth addicts who lack high school educations. It was created in 1968 by John Beatrice Mackay, an egotist and casino tycoon who enjoyed fruitless investments.
Work on the University was first completed as July 1968 saw the opening of the Mackay School of Minors. The aim of this building was to house and teach students under the age 18. This goal quickly changed, however, as the average age of meth addicts just after completion of rehab is well over 25. John Mackay later decided to use it to house an ichthyosaur fossil, silver collection, and drinking fountain made of gold. The building now houses a tobacco seller, serving the Japanese exchange student population quite well with its proximity to the Getchell Library.
The second building completed on site was Morrill Hall. This building was modeled after Disneyland's Haunted Mansion.
Food and Excretion
Let it be known that business kids eat burritos.
The best place to take a dump is on the fifth floor of the business building (A nice compliment to the already excellent supply of burritos.) There are double doors and no one ever seems to be around; fart loudly and proudly, for you rule the
The single most notable thing about the university is parking tickets. In order to add additional revenues, the department of parking services has ordered the campus police to give tickets to anyone parked in one space longer than five minutes, anyone who has any part of their car less than 5 feet away from the nearest parking line, anyone who has not memorized the parking manifesto word for word, and anyone with unfunny bumper stickers. If you wish to appeal any of these tickets, you can fill out a form with parking services, after which they will send you a letter telling you to go fuck yourself. If you still wish to appeal you can go to the transportation board where they will tell you to go fuck yourself in person. If you still wish to appeal you can ask god to send a lightning bolt to the parking services building, however they have built an extensive lightning rod system into it in anticipation of those occurrences.
Just know that if it's late at night and you think your roommate is sleeping, he/she isn't...
That aside, and granted there are over 8,000 chicks on campus, it should also be of concern that it is believed that Leonard Nimoy has been reincarnated in the form of an old woman, looking for sweet, young ass.
Don't eat off the plant that looks like it has raspberries growing on it; they're not very good. This is a common mistake among people too poor to afford delicious 95 cent burritos.
If you harass the swans in the lake, they will kick your ass, as they are armed with razors and laser beams. Strangely enough, there are two white swans and two newly added black swans. The entire student body has since been wary about when the war will begin. With black and white swans so heavily armed, it is only a matter of time.
UNR is fortunate enough to have an Information Technology department headed by a Lemonope. He's pretty kickass; he will even help you with your ecology homework if you let him nibble your edible wares. Please be careful not to confuse him with the school mascot.
A truly amazing text, known only to an elite few, is also hidden within one of the libraries. If you believe you have found it, before approaching, be wary that the book has magical powers and may impress upon you the same obsession with baguettes as the few others who have fatedly gazed upon it's faded, breadlike pages:
Monsieur Saguette and His Baguette by Frank Asch - Monsieur Saguette has created a delicious soup, but realises he does not have any bread! Returning home with his baguette from the bakery, he finds himself faced with many adventurous challenges, and his baguette becomes of great use.
Throughout the campus various "Scomer" kitties can be found etched on random walls and desks. It is believed that this creature was once a god of the ancient peoples of the University. If you find one, make a wish and it will come true, unless, of course, you have ever huffed a kitten. If this is the case, you better pray you don't chance across this deity or your arms will turn into corn.
It is rumored that the elusive Waldo is hiding in one of the libraries. According to one report, he was spotted in the lower book stack reading an economic analysis of the market influence of Kitten Huffing. Such an interest should be of great concern to his fans, as addictions can be severe and unforgiving.
It is not unheard of for someone to fart in a lecture hall with nearly 200 people.
If ever you find yourself in a testing situation where you are confused and don't know what to do, I would highly recommend this strategy as a means of confusing and distracting others to affect performance and bring down the curve.
The best strategy is to punch the other guy in the face.
I would also recommend pissing off the aforementioned swans and then hurling them at your opponents.
The University is known for it's massive failures in athletics. Basketball, Football, Soccer, Baseball and Chess have not won any national titles since the 1800's. Recently, the cement canoe team won a title, however.
The sports teams are followed by a massively loyal fan base that fuel themselves by using meth and beer.
Recent political and religious protests have been cause for alarm on campus. These groups commonly speak out against the sinful lives of students, denouncing such activities as kitten huffing, premarital copulation, and the proliferation of baguettes.
ASUN (Organized Crime)
In recent years, the university's student body government has become a notorious haven for violent criminals from the underground. The influx started when Nevada governor Jim Gibbons moved to put his old Fraternity, Sigma Nu, into political power at the university. The move became disastrous, however. Bearing results similar to failed African coups, the entire university fell into chaos at the hands of the Sigma Nu, who used ruthless killing machines and alien technology to root out any resistance. Currently, and not surprisingly, the leader of the ASUN (Assiocated crime Syndicate leaders of the University of Nevada) is the known dictator and Godfather, Eli Reilly, who was responsible for the genocide in Rwanda and is currently facing charges for crimes against good leadership. Reilly is also known to be the leader of the university's Closeted University Homo Mafia, which deals mainly in the protection of rich Frat boys too scared to let people know they like their pooters petted. As the leader of CUHM, Reilly and his inner circle (both of whom are also Sigma Nu brothers) dole out Beards in return for romps and sexual favors in their plush offices in the Student Union. CUHM's public name is "Coffin and Keys".
The student body, under these conditions, have not achieved anything of note. Brave souls have attempted to stand up for the motherland, but have been labeled as Trotskyites. They are usually whacked and never seen again.
The current senate underwent a normal, monthly coup. The leader of this coup is not known, but it doesn't matter anyways.