University of Texas at Dallas

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http://images.uncyc.org/en/7/71/UTDALLAS.jpeg

Located in Paris, France (present day) and Dallas, Texas (circa October 23, 1929) in an achievement of quantum sciences allowing a single location to remain in two places at once in two different times.

Campus Information[edit]

http://www.utdallas.edu/images/main/featureimage4.jpg


You are informed, you are most welcome.

Statistics[edit]

  • There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damn lies, and statistics.
  • 91% of students on campus commute
  • over 69% of students on campus are over 78% male
  • Over 5 trogs live on campus
  • 97% of all statistics are made up on the spot
  • 95% of students are on scholarship
  • 100% of ATEC students are lazy fegz.
  • 99.5% of the students are only enrolled at UTD to save money over other much more expensive and much more better schools available to them.
  • (1100100)b% of students in the CV honors program are nerds
  • Any students named Chad that attend UT Dallas are obviously hob knockers.
  • Only 3 decent professors in the whole school
  • If you divide the number of Wonka Bars you bought by the total number of Wonka Bars, that number is a percentage.

History[edit]

The president of the University gives a speech from the stump of the once "bitching" treehouse
  • In 1975 Vin Diesel visited the UTD campus. Upon visiting the nearest location of bovine fed cattle, he sneezed a sneeze of epic proportions. This led to the inceneration of the Campus' original wooden buildings, including a bitching treehouse that had one of those fireman poles and a telescope. Nearby buildings were condemned by the local fire and police departments and thus their land was added to the campus size of the University of Texas at Dallas.
  • In the fall of 2004, Vin Diesel returned to the campus for a further inspection. He tripped over a major underground power conduit, leading to a almost weeklong power outage, while emergency crews worked day and night to replace it.

Landmarks[edit]

  • We have a very nice radio tower.
  • We also have a big official announcement electronic billboard on the main drive. Too bad nothing interesting is ever posted on it and it is most likely going to blind you if gazed upon at night.
  • There is a satanic go-cart that looks like a skull. Its forked tongue is made out of a slide, and it has orange fuzzy seats. It is a weekend shuttle to Neverland.

Name(s)[edit]

Helps searchers finds us! But why would they want to do that?

  • University of Texas at Dallas
  • UTD
  • UTDallas
  • Losers
  • Texas A&M

Mascot[edit]

UTD wouldn't be the same without its mascot, Temoc the flaming blue comet/sperm. His responsibilities include curbing excessive school spirit and keeping down attendance at sporting events.

Temoc can be seen prowling the campus late at night. He gains sustenance by stealing the souls of university students and by eating small children.

http://images.uncyc.org/en/f/fc/FlamingSperm.jpeg

Random Animals[edit]

  • Friendly neighborhood squirrels roam the campus peacefully during the day. In the evening, the truly masterful achievement of our animal research laboratory is revealed. When the darkness approaches, the squirrels are transformed into rabbits in much the same way werewolves show their true natures in a full moon.

Student Population[edit]

Everyone is rich. Everyone gets fat by eating ice cream. You have to have 6 toes to enroll. D&D is a course choice. 1337 is the official language of the school.

General Info[edit]

No student at UTD is all that interesting, but if you really want to read a bunch of misspelled gobbledy-gook and semi-literate shouts-out, or if you want to start stalking someone you saw in class but were too afraid to approach, just visit The Facebook, your friendly stalker assistance program.

Crime and Vice on Campus[edit]

Controlled Substances[edit]

Availability of Alcohol[edit]

  • The wonderful apartment style housing at Waterview Park leads to great availability of alcohol.
  • Juniors and Seniors are encouraged to take part in drunken revelry after all sporting events.
  • Actually, EVERYONE is encouraged to take part in druken revelry, ALL THE TIME!

Narcotics[edit]

Prescription[edit]
  • Phase VII Super-Discount Bulk Pharmacy, offering Vicodin, OxyContin, prescription sleep-aids, and high-grade suphedrine for use in making crystal methamphetamine. They will not be undersold.
  • Dave's Phase III Bargain Basement: Odd-sized, factory rejected, and "name-brand" prescription medications. They cut out the middleman and pass the savings on to you. New inventory arriving daily! Open 24 hours!
Non-prescription[edit]
  • Caffeine- Phase I has a Starbuck's now
  • Everything else- Every third person on campus can hook you up. If the third guy you ask doesn't have any and insists his name is Stan, run. He is actually an undercover police officer, on a one man vendetta against all drugs, legal and illegal, after losing his wife and girlfriend to a Lithuanian drug mafia cartel operation.

Gambling[edit]

Cards[edit]

  • Invite a freshman to poker night. They were hardest hit by the New Millennium Poker Epidemic. They will play for stakes of up to $100, immediately going all in to lose on a bluff. A great source of revenue.
  • Blackjack- Find a freshman who just lost a poker tournament. After losing all his money at poker, he will gladly play blackjack for "easy money." Be careful, though; he'll come begging to you for something to eat.

Dice[edit]

  • In the rock garden Fridays and Saturdays, Midnight to 3:00 am. Crooked sidewalk makes for very interesting hops. Highly recommended.

Billiards[edit]

  • Billiards isn't pool, but it's more fun to say. If you want to gamble on billards, just go to the Student Union. No one who really knows how to play pool ever goes there.

Odds and Numbers[edit]

  • Unless you really want to know, don't ask.

Young Lust[edit]

  • Waterview Apartment 5742 is an all-hours adult theater and bookstore serving the UTD Community.
  • Showtimes: For showtimes, slip a piece of paper under the door that says "Showtimes, please."
  • Ticket prices: Matinee, $5.00; After 8:00, $7.50
  • Secret knock: Shave and a haircut (subject to change without notice)
  • It's not what you know: ask for James

Housing[edit]

  • Freshmen receive well-furnished, occasionally shoddily-built apartments for four.
  • Everyone else, well, we don't like to talk about them.
  • Phase I is UTD's non-religious equivalent to purgatory.
  • The most popular place to live is off campus

Chess...And Everything Else[edit]

  • Students are proud of their undefeated football program.
  • The average attendance at the basketball games is 19, including players.
  • The only confirmed method to defeating the UTD chess team, is to only play in un-rated matches and pretend to be unable to play chess. All while being Bob Saget.

Jerks[edit]

Professors[edit]

Professor Flavin[edit]

A very studied professor that enjoys berating students for 20 minutes about being 30 seconds late. Reports indicated that material on Exams is frequently only covered in the 20 minutes of class you missed because someone else was 6 seconds late to class.

Professor Harrison[edit]

A shining example of a professor who knows a lot, but doesn't know how to share this information with the rest of the masses (read: students).

Students[edit]

Every 5th student is a jerk!!! Every 3/5th of a student is gay!!!

Campus Police[edit]

Not an actual police force, these individuals are determined to prove otherwise. Officer Dickson, for example, performs body cavity searches on perpetrators of such offenses as drug possession and jaywalking.

Kittens[edit]

Of course, we all hate the feral cats roaming free on campus!

http://www.utdallas.edu/~mjs010200/kitten.jpg


http://www.utdallas.edu/~mjs010200/cat.gif

Staff[edit]

(Same as Professors)

Groups on Campus[edit]

Fraternities[edit]

ΑΦω[edit]

Very large service organization. Usually "services" their members. If you know what I mean.

ΖΒΤ[edit]

Party on!

ΔΔΔ[edit]

Was originally a sorority, but many members had their gender changed.

KKK[edit]

Kappa Kappa Kappa is the official fraternity of UTD.

Collegium V[edit]

See CV

College VIII[edit]

A group whose pressence is seen only in shadows. Only a box is seen to the outside world, though it is rumored that their lair exists among the Floor 1's of all buildings (excluding buildings with obvious accessability to Floor 1). Expeditions to find the lair through the use of the central heating system have resulted in many the groups lost, presumably dead. See CVIII

Sororities[edit]

Girls? Not on my campus.

Religious[edit]

LUG ( Linux Users Group )[edit]

A group who worships Richard Stallman and Linus Torvalds as the twin deities of modern computing. Bill Gates is of course Satan Incarnate in this pantheistic system of worship. "Free software for all" is the rallying cry of this strange and over-obsessive group.

Focus (French Occultist Christian Unitarianist Socilasts)[edit]

The name says it all. If the name doesn't, then the free food and offers of opium (of the masses) will.

Atheists & FreeThinkers Society[edit]

A group of people that all agree that they believe that they don't believe, especially that they don't believe what other people believe to believe and believe everyone else to believe. You can think freely and believe what you want, as long as you believe what they believe. I am led to believe.

Geek Groups[edit]

ATSA ( Arts and Technology Student Association)[edit]

Supposedly created with the intention of brining together ATEC majors to further thier major and work on various projects. Reality, everyone plays counter-strike and eats junk food. No one gets any girls this way.

MUG ( Microsoft Users Group)[edit]

A wholly satanic group dedicated to the promotion of all software, hardware, and services Microsoft produces. Usually made up of primarily MIS majors for the school of management, a few confused CS majors sometimes end up here.

SSCI (Society of Socially Crippled Introverts)[edit]

A group just for introverts, where the shy and anti-social can come meet other introverts, hang out with introverts, and get to know new people who have the same phobias and loner tendencies as themselves. Meetings held every Friday and Saturday night, when everyone else is at a party. Activities include ice-breakers, karaoke, and dancing. Come check it out! Please? Seriously... attendance has been low for a long time.

SGDA (Society of Glue Dealers for America)[edit]

A mostly male organization that strives to make a name for themself in a tightly contested field. If successful, they will earn the right to work 120 hour weeks with low pay, burn out in 10 years, and retire to relativly non-stressful jobs such as operating system programming, trash disposal, and President of the United States of Cuba.

External Links[edit]