University of the Philippines
|University of the Philippines|
|Motto||Capitalismo is Elitismo!|
|Location||Manila, NCR, Philippines|
|Enrollment||Students: 34 billion,|
Undergrad: 33 billion,
Postgrad: 1 billion post grad (all in hiding)
|Endowment||Based on its statue, pretty small.|
|Faculty||Drunk all the time.|
|Mascot||UP Oblation (Naked Gay Man)|
|Colors||Green and Maroon|
|Postgrad Label||UP doesn't know what the fuck this means.|
“With all those goddamn commies around I'd roll my right hand into a fist too.”
The University of the Philippines (UP for short) is the largest and most Communist infested campus in the Philippines. Located at the heart of the Quezon City dimensional breach (just a mile or so from God's thigh bone), the main campus is so huge that it is frequently mistaken for the Black Hole of Calcutta. In fact, if you try entering the campus you might never emerge back into the world for fifteen years, and if you do you might come back hellbent on despising the world at large and installing comrade Mao Zedong as Chairman. It stands as no surprise that its symbol is a naked man with a flaccidly miniscule penis: as future leaders in a socialist state, UP students will declare clothes as subversive, guaranteeing a one-way ticket into a steamy jungle gulag. UP also has other campuses scattered around the archipelago, still trying to convert the Philippine Empire from Roman Catholicism to Communism (led by Jeebus and a whole bunch of grues).
UP's official Symbol is a statue of a naked gay man named the Oblation, which stands 3.5 meters tall and is set on a pedestal that resembles a plastic vibrator. Every December, UP students stage a horrendous ceremony called the Oblation Run, where men run naked for gay people's delight. The winner gets a chance to take home a copy of the Oblation as a sex toy, and a parcel of land somewhere in the Philippines to establish another UP campus. Usually, the Oblation sex toy that they win stands in front of their campus facing towards UP Diliman, like what Muslims do when they pray facing Mecca.
- 1898: China invades Manila, imports thousands of White Flower bottles.
- 1908: University of the Philippines founded after American scientists haul Alan Peter Cayetano out of an ice shelf in Antarctica.
- 1927: Jesus is banned from campus; he throws a tantrum and instantly sends half the studentry to hell.
- 1939: Years of Maoist education causes the entire Manila campus to become sentient and grow at a cellular level. Tendrils of UP are found as far south as the town of Los Baños. Within fifty years copies of the UP campus would be found growing all over the Philippines.
- 1942: WWII forces UP to close all its buildings except for Malcolm Hall, which the local Regency used as a Saturday night hookers lounge for the Japanese emperor.
- 1959: UP becomes a People's Republic, proclaims deep-fried jungle rat as its national cuisine.
- 1960: An oral sex romp incident within campus forces faculty to establish a tradition that requires all male freshmen to run around campus naked and blindfolded non-stop for three days.
- 1980: Spain declines.
- 1992: The UP president is caught masturbating to an antique portrait in Benítez Hall. Seniors honor this historic event by screwing over their togas and just wearing colored rice sacks over their heads during graduation day.
- 2002: UP activists pay tribute to Shania Twain, who in turn gives them the finger by NOT naming her new album after them.
To perpetuate its popularity among Filipinos, the University of the Philippines requires all freshmen to attend at least three Communist rallies during the first year of their entry; non-compliance often results in the subversive being publicly flogged, tarred and feathered, and forced to confess their innermost sexual fantasies before they are eventually dunked in urine and expelled on grounds of academic discipline. This event is called the UPCAT (University of the Philippines Communist Activism Test).
Instead of togas, graduates are required to wear burlap in the shape of edible underwear on their shoulders. These sari-like pieces of lingerie are dyed avocado green and are usually emblazoned with the graduate's initials as recognition; after the ceremony itself it is mandatory for the bachelor to wear the cloth for three years straight to ensure humiliation from their peers.
A Message from Kim Jong-Il on the Event of the UP Centennial
Fellow comrades in education! We send you fervent greetings, making you serv--er, participate in our exultant jubilation over the brilliant, successful, endless and never-changing perpetual application of what is your centennial under the slogan "UP: in defense of the communist leadership, against everybody else!" As well as delivering your ultimate goal of shoving an anchor up the vaginal recesses of the midget you call your president, it is your principal objective to defend your sorry excuse for a university, and deal demolishing and forceful blows to Yankee imperialism! I call upon you to use your sex scandal-saturated cellphones to crush and painfully grind the balls of your enemies with your iron fists!