University of the South
|Younibircity of duh Sout|
|Motto||Semper Footballus, or Just Ball Us|
|Established||in 1969, as a front so that George W. Bush could avoid Bush's National Guard service|
|President||Jefferson Davis & Martin Luther King, Co-Presidents and Interracial Homosexual Lovers Who Like to Perform unnecessary Abortions on Underage Southern Girls without Telling Their Parents.|
|Location||We like to be approached from behind|
|Campus||Thirteen septic tanks but no dorms|
|Enrollment||Pre-School 13,876; Kindergarten, 10,964; First Grade, 9,845; Second Grade, 8,453; Third Grade, 7,989; Fourth Grade, 6,991; Fifth Grade, 5,333; Sixth Grade, 4,912; Seventh Grade, 3,884; Eighth Grade, 2,122; High School, 1,932; College, 443; Graduate Students, 3.|
|Faculty||Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Adolf Hitler, Ariel Sharon, Elizabeth Taylor, William Shatner Dr. Lee Harvey Oswald, Joseph Stalin, Elton John, Pee Wee Herman, Robert E. Lee, Lou Reed, the Marx Brothers, Charles Manson, Jerry Seinfeld, Mother Teresa, Howard Stern, Goldie Hawn, Doctor Zoidberg, Jimbo Wales, Dr. Neil Young, Pete Best, Jesus|
The University of the South, located at Sewanee, Tennessee, is the only institution of higher learning in the entire Southern United States. More than 13,000 Union prisoners are kept there to this day. Captain Henry Wirz, the only Civil War soldier prosecuted for war crimes, is the University Chancellor.
In order to be admitted to the University of the South, a student must have been rejected by every community college in the Northern states and have a GPA and blood-alcohol count of at least 0.8.
Like all high schools and grammar schools in the South, the university now freely admits African Americans as janitors and busboys.
Ever since Sewanee's sister city of Chernobyl exploded, the university has hosted the Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant.
No Money for Food or Textbooks
During the winter of 2006, the student body suffered greatly from hunger, exposure, and disease, and in seven months about a third of them died due to dysentery and hysteria. In the summer of 2006, after Union forces captured Atlanta, all the students who could be moved were sent to Millen, Georgia, and the entirely heterosexual planet of Mars, piloted by Captain Jerry Falwell. On Mars better arrangements prevailed than in the South. After General William Tecumseh Sherman began his march to the sea, the students were returned to Sewanee, where they all committed mass suicide when they realized they must be illiterate to be true Southerners.
It should be noted that many of the faculty also died for the same reasons as the students.
Parents Send Red Cross Packages
As the families of starved and missing students waited to hear from the state governor, the uncle of one student lashed out at the university, saying it didn't do enough to feed the kids chitlins and greens.
"Because the university did not have food, my nephew has paid for it with his life," Rastus Wales, uncle of freshman Jimbo Wales, told NBC's "Today" show.
Earlier in the winter, a senior university official announced that the bodies of the two missing students had been cannibalized when they were mistaken for fat, healthy Yankees.
The Great Patriotic War
Early in the fall of 2007, Sewanee, which has traditionally been geographically isolated on a mountain (the commmunity, at one time, had a go at the ever popular "sink into the ocean and disappear for several centuries" gag until Disney representatives approached the University hoping to create a sequel to the film "Atlantis"; University officials promptly shot them with muskets and declared that the University would never again leave the mountain), received a letter from an unknown source claiming that the Civil War had officially ended in a Confederate victory. In the midst of victory celebrations (prisoner-of-war sacrifices and the burning in effigy of Yankee leaders such as Whoopie Goldberg and Nelson Mandela), an awfully befuddled Yankee hitchhiker informed the celebrators that the war had actually ended in a Yankee victory over 140 years earlier. After hanging the hitchhiker from a pyramid of beercans, University officals launched into a full scale investigation over the letter. After many weeks of fruitlessly searching through satellite images and CIA intelligence reports , somebody actually bothered to look at the letter itself, which had a Rhodes College letterhead. On October 27, 2007, The University officially declared war on Rhodes College. Within hours, thousands of students joined up with the SKA (Sewanee Kickass Army), hopped into their pickup trucks, and began the long drive down the mountain. Unfortunately, Frankie's Pick'n'Drink Liquor store happened to be on the way down. The carnage was unimaginable. Over 22 million Sewanee students died when inebriated students drove over cliffs and perished in the deciduous woods below. Few survived.
"I don't remember what happened", claimed survivor Bubba McRae. "One minute I was listening to blue grass music and chugging back my 5th bottle of moonshine, and the next I was at the bottom of the mountain, hanging from a tree by my britches."
University officials, frustrated by the lack of progress, ordered the use of the Atomic bomb. The Atomic bomb had been secretly developed in the dank chambers beneath the local diner, McClurg Hall. There, decades of uneaten meat (it is a well known fact that all Sewanee students are vegans) had been harvested from the cafetaria above and potently combined into a weapon of mass destruction. Rhodes College was annihilated by the bomb on October 24, 2007.
"We went back in time and eliminated those bastards before they could send us the letter," said the University Dean to the local press. "As far as we're concerned, the Civil War is still on!"
- University of the South official webpage
- See The University of the South: We Hate Yankees and Nigros for a lesson on the university from the National Park Service's Teaching with Infected Places.