Unknown Goals of the No Child Left Behind Act

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We have all heard of the fairly recent act sent out by our DUMB President George W. Bush, but do we really know the whole story? Evidence has come in to prove that NCLB means to extend well beyond schools and create a wonderful state of equality and unanimity in children's lives


Obesity is an increasing problem in American children. This also leads to mockery and other such torment in gym classes, and in other areas of life. We hereby decree that all activities exceeding the abilities of the least healthy child in class shall be omitted.

(As a result, all activities will eventually be eliminated, except for the very safe and non-rigorous sport of dust-catching. Eventually, no children will be able to do even this, and gym will be eliminated entirely)


There is also the problem in middle and high school of some students being more attractive to the opposite sex than others. To solve this, i hereby decree that no student may look any better than the least appealing student in their grade, even if drastic measures need be applied. There is also the problem of sexual ambiguity. All students will "go through the bases", so to say, at the same rate, leaving no child behind in experience. Children who have better sexual performance will earn more money for their schools by selling porn, and children with poor sexual performance will not be paid at all.


No child will be left behind in physical develpment. To solve this, we shall provide hormonal treatments and such to regulate the growth of all our children so no one child is shorter or taller than any other. This will be done even if it requires painfully stretching or squashing the children to attain the desired height. Areas who cannot keep this height regular will not receive funding, but the ones that do it best will.


No child will be left behind in creativity. In an art class, all the students must regulate their performance to the worst artist in the class, to save their self esteem. The highest grades must be based on the worst artist in the class, and everyone who lowers themselves to their level will receive credit, but they must not exceed the abilities of the worst artist.


No child's self esteem may be damaged in any way. You MUST do all you can to help him/her to believe that they are succeeding even if they are failing miserably, no matter how badly they behave. You may NOT separate students who learn faster from students who simply need more time, and you MUST move at the speed comfortable for the slowest learner in the class. Even if they fail with a zero percent, you MUST pass them on to the next grade for the sake of their self esteem. You MUST put them in classes that you know they won't be able to handle in high school, just to make them feel smart, because being in a tough class is an excuse to fail. Most importantly, you ABSOLUTELY MUST NEVER single any student out because of their learning ability, even for their benefit. Doing so will reflect badly on you and your school, because it would severely damage their self esteem.