Unluck (also called misfortune) is a type of energy. It was thought that being unlucky was simply an absence of luck, but it was discovered by French sciénter Antoine Miserable in 1967 to be caused by having an excess of a wholly separate type of energy.
Physical Nature of Unluck
Whereas an object with high luck potential energy (LPE) has a higher probability of being successful and having good things happen to it, an object with high unluck potential (UPE) will have a high chance of failure and/or being fucked over at every given opportunity. Because of this, Unluck is the polar opposite to Luck (a sort of anti-luck, if you will) and, as matter and anti-matter annihilate to release energy, if ever the two energies meet, they will annihilate forming matter in the form of a Ninja Pirate. For this reason, it is generally regarded as a good idea to keep them separate. There are four recognised classes of Unluck.
Classes of Unluck
- Alpha (α) Unluck- this type of Unluck causes, in high concentrations, mild misfortune, e.g. slipping on a mango peel.
- Beta (β) Unluck- in high concentrations, causes moderate misfortune, e.g. trousers falling down, being struck by lightning.
- Gamma (γ) Unluck- in high concentrations, causes high/repated misfortune, e.g. being struck by lightning multiple times, catching Chuck Norris in bed with your wife.
- Why?!!! (Y?!!!) Unluck- any amount of this Inluck can cause extreme/disastrous misfortune, e.g. entire street full of family and friends destroyed, the only survivors being those next-door neighbours you can't stand, George W. Bush being re-elected president of your country.
Where y= age in years, M= mass and L = Luck, thus showing that older, larger, less lucky people are more unlucky.
Often cited as the world's unluckiest man (after Spiderman), Antoine Gaylord Miserable was so taken by the concept of Unluck that he devoted his entire life to understanding it. However, his own misfortune was such that, shortly after finsishing his thesis on Unluck, a sudden draught blew his papers out of the window to where his neighbour was shredding leaves in the rain. The preceding fire burned down Miserable's house, destroying all his possessions and his family, had he been rich or lucky enough to have any. Taken by his abject misery, he tried to commit suicide no less than 23 times, but was thwarted in each attempt by some fluke Unluck. After consigning himself at last to the concept of miserable immortality he was struck by lightning in the same place one hundred and eighty times after being bitten by a snake. Fortunately, before his timely death, he was able to scrawl his findings in his own charred remains for future generations to find. Bizarrely, it was not blown away but remained for someone to find, suggesting all his Unluck had been used up, or annihilated by a particularly lucky bird. However, some traces of his Unluck remain in that no-one can spell his name right, nor call him a scientit genuous without horribly misspelling it. He is name is not even recognised, nor does he even have his own Wikipedia or Uncyclopedia page.
Certain things have high concentrations of Unluck around them, some of them already well known:-
- The number 23 (not 13, which is, ironically, the luckiest number)
- Broken Mirrors
- Walking under ladders
- Black Cats crossing your path
- Water Buffalo
- Rabbit's hands
- Horseshoes (in any orientation)
- Emos crossing your path (but if the emo goes under a truck while crossing the path, this should be considered veyr lucky indeed).
- Chavs (see emos, above)
While such proven instances of Unluck may seem to support superstitous beliefs, this is not the case. No amount of old wives beating you with branches is going to make that Unluck go away. The only proven cure is pure Luck, the presence of this annihilating all Unlucky energy (only to be tried if one doesn't mind Ninja Pirates or values their hair un-singed). However, as Unluck naturally repels Luck, this can be very hard to achieve.