Unreal Tournament

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Because violence is fun!

“Ill own all of you suckas!.”

~ [-FF-]V(i)cK Legend of UTD on Unreal Tournament

“I approve of V(i)cK's Message!”

~ John Rambo on Unreal Tournament


“It's not a real tournament.”

~ Captain Obvious on Unreal Tournament

“This game is violent and immoral, and it's because of games like this that the world is so violent today.”

~ Jack Thompson on Unreal Tournament

“HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

~ anyone with common sense on Jack Thompson

“Starte das Spiel!”

~ Angry German Kid on Unreal Tournament

“I'm so 1337 s0 if you beatz me, u must be haxxor!!!”

~ 11 year old player on Unreal Tournament



Unreal Tournament' is a kill-everything-that-moves-while-incessantly-hopping-around FPS multiplayer game. There are many gametypes that have been adopted through the series, but none of them involve killing Jack Thompson, which would actually be kinda funny. Anyway, here's the bloody article.

Rambo owning Xan Kriegor with a machete!

Weapons[edit]

Example.jpg

  • Character Melee: Every Character HasDiferent Melees.
  • Translocator: It shoots a hockey puck that teletransports you directly to where you shot it. Original, but it sucks.
  • Useless Gun: every multiplayer game has a gun with infinite ammo that is as dangerous to a human being as water is for a fish. In this game, it's called impact hammer.


  • Character Side-Arm: A Pair Of Pistols.
  • Angry German Kid: Can be used on generally destroying everything in your near vicinity
  • Shock Rifle: A long weapon that shoots blue lasers. Useful in low gravity, for it sends the motherfucker flying. Shock rifles are only used by new players to the game.sux0r my c0x0r
  • Assault Rifle: Short Range Assault-Weapon With Grenadelaunchers.
  • Rocket Launcher: A weapon that fires rocket-propelled grenades. This is a futuristic first-person shooter, however, so there has to be a twist: it can fire up to six at once!! The rocket launcher is also called the "eightball" to piss and confuse people that count only six. The later installments cut this down to three and I pretty much stopped using it.
  • Flak Cannon: The game's big ass shotgun that also throws shells
  • Pulse gun: The primary fire shoots green balls at your enemy, while the secondary fire shoots a long green laser beam that is the size of my dick. Its also the gun that caused a major war against aliens from mars and humans. The battle was all recorded and is now a movie known as Mars Attacks! The aliens were pissed off at earth for stealing there idea for a gun that can turn things into skeletons. So therefore, a war took place.
  • Minigun: Makes a lot of noise.
  • Holy Grenadelauncher: A Weapon That Shoots An Holy Hand-Grenade.
  • Grenade Launcher: self-explanatory. Secondary fire allows you to explode the grenades you launched with primary fire.
  • BAN Gun: Description Classified. Haxxors And Admins Only.
  • Jaffa Staff: A long Staff that shoots Jaffa Cakes. And If The Energy Is Gone You Can Use It As Melee(Using As Melee Is Worst Idea).
  • BIG-FUCKING-LASER-OF-DETH-FROM-SKY: you mark the location with a laser sight and a a BIG-FUCKING-LASER-OF-DETH comes from the sky and kills the whole fucking map. It's the same as the Redeemer (below), but harder to use and transforms everyone into skeletons.
The redeemer
  • BioRifle: Officially known as the Embarrassment Gun, no one actually uses this piece of crap. Utilizes the wielder's semen (referred to in-game as "Tarydium", whatever the hell that's supposed to be) for deadly attacks against opponents.
  • Snipe Rifle: "BOOOM, HEADSHOTTT!!!!!!!!!". The campers' favorite.
  • Redeemer: Launches nuclear warheads, because the leader of your country won't. "M-m-m-m-monster Kill-Kill-Kill!"
  • Ion Painter: Paints Ions, because they are incredibly dull to start with.
  • Michael Jackson: Fire it at the preschool for massive damage. (Note: To use this preschool you have to download it from Nali City; there is a 10% chance the .zip file won't come with a necessary texture.)
  • Chuck Norris: Also known as the chainsaw. No matter who you play as or when you play, it has been exactly five years since you've seen one.
  • Uncyclopedia: Causes all players in arena to die. To pick up that weapon, you must be logged in to Uncyclopedia and playing UT at the same time. In case of doing that, Uncyclopedia will appear instead of Redeemer. It has infinite number of shots. Bush loves this weapon but does not know how to get or use it.

Game Modes[edit]

  • Single Player: Play In Singleplayer Game Modes

Tournament: Select A Character And Play

Ascession Rites: Play As Isis to Be The Winner Of Ascession Rites

StoryMode: Play In Each Character's Story

GalacticQuest: Create Your Character And Play The Game In Oblivion Style

Instant Action: Fight Against Bots

  • Multi Player:

Arena: Play Against Other Players

GQ-Live: Play Galactic Quest In Online

Try to Kill V(i)cK: An impossible task that gives players a feel of what it would be like to get a roundhouse kick to the face by chuck norris or a bazooka up the ass by rambo.

V(i)cK[edit]

V(i)cK is an Unreal Tournament Guru

Name: Hunk of cheese

Age: 16

Country: U.S.A

Favourite Weapons: Instagib

Playing Style: Always in Attack --Rambokills 20:57, 3 June 2008 (UTC)

Game Sessions[edit]

You never know who has the relic of vengeance (aka vengenz) till it's too late.


  • Deathmatch-DM: Simple Game That You Just Have To Kill Everyone In Arena
  • Team Deathmatch-TDM: Deathmatch With Teamplay
  • Capture The Flag-CTF: Take The Flag From Enemy's Base And Return It To Your Base
  • Assault-AS: A Gamemode That You Have A Objective To Complete
  • Onslaught-ONS: Power Node Taking Wars
  • Invasion-INV: Just Kill The Monsters
  • Redeemer Arena-ReA: A Game That No One Could Win
  • Slaughter-SLG: Kill A Unarmed Nalis.Barneys.Civilians.Fags.Emos.And Others
  • Stetragy-STR: A Game That Only 4 Players Can Join, Not A FPS
  • Face To Face-F2F: A Game Like Fightinggame, Only 2 Players Can Join

Teh Karacterz[edit]

Malcolm: Some black dude who totally wears sunglasses and is surprisingly able to actually see. After all, sunglasses only effect vision in the real world.

Starting Weapons - Enforcers Melee - Impact Hammer Fatality - Nail On Wall(As The Name)(Command W,Shift+Lmb+Rmb)

Xan, The undefeatable end boss
Brock: Is meant to be the main character or something. He tries to look cool. But we all know that he is just gay and when he says IMPACT HAMMER... Wait, he doesn't say anything. Also He Is Known As Broke Or Lego Block.

Starting Weapons - Enforcers /Melee - An Staff /Fatality - Decapistrike(Hit Until The Head Get Cutted)(Command Lmb+Rmb,Ctrl(hold),W,S,Space)

Xan: The end boss, who is incredibly easy to beat (with the right cheats.) He even has customized gore. You could totally play golf with the impact hammer and his gigantic severed head. He Was Made By Washing Machine Parts.

Starting Weapons - Wrist Lasers(Predator?) /Melee - SawBlade /Fatality - Wash(Use The Washing Machine System)(Command Lmb+W+Shift,Space,Rmb)

Jack Bauer: A Mad CTU Officer Bringed To Takeback All Redeemers. He Will Torture Any Players Until The Player Talk Where Is The Redeemer.

Starting Weapons - Silenced Pistol /Melee - 2x4 /Fatality - NeckBite(Fatality From Season6)(Command Shift+W+Lmb+Rmb)

Angry German Kid: I Wanna Play UT You Asshole Computer!!!!. AAAAAARGH HAHAHAH Eat This!!Noooooooooo He Killed Meeeeeee.

Starting Weapons - Screams /Melee - Keyboard /Fatality - KeyboardCrush(Destroy The Keyboard On Enemy's Head)(Command W+A+S+D,Lmb+Rmb,Then Hit You Keyboard Hard,)

Khan: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!

Starting Weapons - Phasor /Melee - His Hands? /Fatality - Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk(Screams)(Command Lmb+Q+W+E,Rmb)

Goku: Super Saiyan Bringed To Win The Tournament. KaaaameeeeehaaaameeeeeHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Starting Weapons - Nothing /Melee - Hands /Fatality - KAMEHAMEHA!!!(As The Name)(Command Lmb+Rmb+W,S+Space+Shift+Ctrl,S(x2))

The Janitor: Just A Janitor. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Cleaner Pistols /Melee - Deck Brush /Fatality - 4 8 15 16 23 42 Execute(Lost Number Dude!)(Command 4,8,1,5,1,6,2,3,4,2,Enter)

Bill Gates: The True Last Boss. He Will Apare When You Kill Xan With 0Deaths. Unlockanle Character.

Starting Weapons - Wingun /Melee - Sword With WindowsHilt /Fatality - Blue Screen Of Death(Show's The BSoD To The Enemy)(Command Destroy Your Keyboard)

Lauren: Brock's SexFriend But She Is Already Dead. Uses Any Heavy Weapons.

Starting Weapons - Enforcers /Melee - Necris Swords /Fatality - Take Soul(Takes The Soul)(Command W+S,Lmb+Ctrl)

Gordon Freeman: The Third Boss Of The Game. He Uses The HEV Suit And Crowbar. Unclokable Character.

Starting Weapons - Glock /Melee - Crowbar /Fatality - Big Jjaang(Slash The Crowbar With Extreme Speed)(Command Lmb(x8))

Neo: Can Run Faster As Other Characters. Unlockable Character. WARNING:You Will See All Things In Slow Motion Of You Play As Him.

Starting Weapons - Enforcers /Melee - Large Pool /Fatality - Extreme Fast Attack(I Didn't See Because It's Too Fast)(Command I Don't Know)

Doom Guy: A Mysterious Masked Marine Guy From Mars. Someone Said His Face Is Like John Romero But No One Have Seen His Face.

Starting Weapon - Pistol(Worst Weapon Sucks) /Melee - Chainsaw /Fatality - MeatFactory(Cut With Chainsaw Until The Enemy Get Gibbed)(Command W+Shift,W,Lmb)

Teal'c: The Chief Of Jaffa Cake Factory. Also The Boss Of Jaffa Cake Factory Level. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Jaffa Staff Shoot Mode /Melee Jaffa Staff /Fatality - Kill In 0secs(As The Name)(Command I Don't Know)

Lara Croft: Big Titted Chick From Tomb Raider. She Uses The Mysterious Excalibur. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Enforcers /Melee - Excalibur /Fatality - Mental Kill(Show The Boobs)(Command S,Lmb,Rmb+W+A+S+D,Ctrl+Shift+Space,W,Rmb+W)

Me: Yes Me!. Unlockable With Cheat.

Starting Weapons - Instagib /Melee - Instasword /Fatality - BAN(You Are BANNED)(Command Lmb+W+Rmb)

Luke Skywalker: Teh Jedaai Ground Muster. He Uses The Lightsaber So you Cant 'HURT' Him With Energy Weapons. Unclockable Character

Starting Weapons - Blaster /Melee - Lightsaber /Fatality - Nooooo That Imposible(I Am Your Father)(Command S-U-I-C-I-D-E)

Leonidas: This Is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. The Boss Of Assault Session. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Rocket Launcher /Melee - Sword /Fatality - This Is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(This Is Madness)(Command W,Shift+Rmb)

Xena: The Famous Warrior(sex) Princess. The Boss Of Melee Fight Arena. Unlockable Character

Starting Weapons - Egyptian Pistols /Melee - Her Sword /Fatality - Disc Depapiation(Dacapitate With Disc)(Command Q+Lmb(hold 7secs Then Release))

Mr. T: Yes It He. Watch Your Step On Him. He Will Smash You Down Before You Touch Him. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - RPC(Rocket Propelled Chainsaw) /Melee - HugeWrench /Fatality - Smash Down(As The Name)(Command I Don't Know)

Captain Oblivious: Classified.

Starting Weapons - Classified /Melee - Oblivious Shield /Fatality - Classified

Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit I Can't Hear You. Sound Like You Got A Pairs. The Boss Of Extreme Recruit Session. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Sweet M14 /Melee - An Baton /Fatality - Aaaaarg That The War Face(Show The Warface)(Command Scream To The Screen)

Link: Link The Warrior Of Hyria That Exists In Someplace Of Universe. Whatever He Uses A Master Sword And Boomerangs And Bow And Bombs(*sigh*).

Starting Weapons - Bow /Melee - Muster Sword /Fatality - Cut In Half Then Nail The Upper Body On Wall With Arrow(As It Says)(Command I Forgot)

Arnie: I'll Be Back. A Terminator Bringed To Win The Tournament. Uses The Chaingun And Winchester. And Also The Boss Of Laundry Factory. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Winchester /Melee - Hands /Fatality - I'll Be Back(Cause An Nuclear Explosion)(Command Ctrl+End)

Rayne: A Big Boobed Half-Vampire Chick. She Uses Blades And The Vampirism(Sweet Kiss In Neck).

Starting Weapons - Dragon Pistol /Melee - Blades /Fatality - Blood Rain(Cut The Enemy In Pieces)(Command Q+A,D,Lmb)

Mario: Known As Hitler Or Stalin Or Saddam. He Uses The Fireballs. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Fireballs /Melee - Hammer /Fatality - Jump On Head(As It Says)(Command Q+Space)

reltiH flodA: The Scarriest People(On His Head)Of All Times. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - nuG /Melee - drowS namreG /Fatality - Send To Hell(As It Says)(Command Use The RedPhone)

Xyzzy: Known As Adventurer. The Worst Character Of The Game.

Starting Weapons - RP2C(Rocket Propelled Two Cows) /Melee - A Torch /Fatality - Extreme Sarcasm(Yes it Is)(Command Makesure Your Room Be A Pitchblack)

Bin Laden: Already Dead.

Starting Weapons - AK47Binladen Custom /Melee - Arabian Sword /Fatality - Extreme Jihad(Cause An Nuclear Explosion)(Command Ctrl+End)

Isis: Our Sweetheart Empress. Uses A Swords To Cut The Enemy In Half. Boss Of Middle Ancient Sesion. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Egyptian Pistols /Melee - Egyptian Swords /Fatality - Cast A Tiger(As It Says)(Command Go To The Zoo And Enter In The Tiger's Jail)

Jack: Hero Of The Galaxy.

Starting Weapons - Rivet Guns /Melee - Super Sword /Fatality - Kutiin Deth(Cuts The Oppoment In Pieces)(Command W,Q+RMB+LMB)

Osiriss: Isis's Unholy Little-Sister. Downloadable Character.

Starting Weapons - Egyptian Pistols /Melee - Egyptian Blades /Fatality - Execution(As It Says)(Command RMB,RMB+Q,W)

Pacient: Ludicrous Arena-Fighter. Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Magnums /Melee - Kil&Slaught /Fatality - Canibality(As It Says)(Command Cut Your Finger And Eat It)

Master Chief: Spartan-117 (MLG dude) Unlockable Character.

Starting Weapons - Spartan Laser /Melee - Gravity Hammer /Fatality - im a pretty cool guy i kills aliens and doesnt afraid of anything(As It Says)(Command M+L+G)

Dorris the old lady: An old lady, as the name suggests. Unlockable Character.

Starting weapons - Murray mint launcher /Melee - handbag /Fatality - never ending story about how things were far better in The Good Old Days(Command O+L+D)

sackboy: He is sackboy. nuf said. He appears when he bloody well feels like it.

Starting weapons - dropping an entire level that he made 5 seconds ago on your head /Melee - suffocation using a sack /Fatality - his adorableness(Command S+W+E+E+T)

Immigrants[edit]

When the game came out it was fun to play and there where a lot of servers where people would have their own heritage (Americans had an English speaking server and those are basically the only people that played then) playing on a server. Now n00bs and French, Cambodian, Behomian, and Brazillian fuck chucks now infest almost every server. n00bs mostly infest a game type server that has a mod called BT (short for Bunny Track)which is usually a large map with many obstacles to pass and jump across (such as side dodging up impossible ramps and going through door number 3 instead of 1 or 2 puzzles)gaps, and if you miss a jump your most likely to fall in lava or crater. Each team has its own map, accurately the same obstacle course, so you cannot see the other team unless the map is too big and cannot have a base for each team. Players are invincible and the player is equipped with an Enhanced Shock Rifle (Instagib).


Patented Face-Raping Technology[edit]

During the production of Unreal Tournament, the developers at Epic studios created a new physics engine whereby the blood and gore were graphic enough to allow one player to physically rape another's face over the internet. (This is, of course, assuming that the face-raping quotient of the first player was greater than or equal to that of the second's.) Epic studios felt that only one man was able to adequately test this engine, but John Rambo was not available. The only suitable substitute was the overwhelming might of Chuck "Jesus-beard" Norris. Upon testing the technology by raping the faces of everyone simultaneously (and by everyone, we do mean EVERYONE), Chuck gave his Seal of Universal Approval, and declared a national holiday in Unreal's honor. Today, people celebrate this most joyous of days by killing everyone in sight, and attempting to circle-strafe with mixed results. The face-raping technology is now in it's third iteration, and is more shockingly brutal and overwhelmingly impressive than ever. Thank you, Chuck Norris.

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