Urban Explorers, UE or urbex is the collective name of a dangerous series of numerous underground cults specializing in exploring other peoples houses and apartments during the night. Urban Exploration is the common umbrella term with which the cult members refer to their own activities. The oldest clan by far is the notorious Cave Clan, the oldest cult in history, originating all the way back in the early Talc age in the 5501st century B.C. (that's 550 000 B.C. for you). The activists normally refers to themselves as "The Shadow People" or "The Tunnel People". It normally takes place during popular vacations while no one is at home during a longer period. Common equipment is crowbars, cameras, flashlights, guns, knives, picklock and durable clothes. During the exploration, certain items and equipment is searched for and then photographed and last but not least, expropriatied. Because of the fact that it's always quite dark during the exploration, it becomes difficult to document certain items in a satisfying way. Therefore they are often borrowed to be further documented in a safer place, generally in the explorers own house or apartment. The borrowed items are often returned some 25 years or so after having been documented thouroughly.
The foundation of the Urban exploration movement was laid 550,000 years ago by three primitive ogres, Huey, Dewey and Louie, somewhere in Europe. Having so far spent their night under the starlight in primitive huts, they decided that they should see more of the world. Realising the potential caves had for exploration, the trio began to search for any cave they could find to explore them. This was the start of the Cave Clan, the worlds oldest cult which still exists today with 250,000 members worldwide. Creeping and crawling in inaccessible passages during the night like a worm wriggles anxiously in the mud, they would discover what was hidden beneath the ground far beyond the sunbeams nethermost reaches, also starting the trend of cave-dwelling which was the ultimate fashion so many millennia ago. A wellknown member of the Cave Clan is Gollum, who was himself accidentally trapped in a cave under the Misty Mountains during an urban exploration.
Targets of exploration
UE can further be separated into subcategories. Urban explorers do any or all of these things,
but often specialize on one or two.
The exploration of the wonders of high technology is the most popular form of UE. The purpose is to learn more about the latest achievements of technology and to document the newest wonders. This is done either on site by photographing or studied at home after having "borrowed" the items to document them more thourougly, but most often by a combination of these two.
Exploration targets vary from one social class to another, however some of the more common wonders of technology to explore include:
- Cellular phones
- TV's and computer monitors
- Cameras and video cameras
- DVD- and VCR-players
- Stereo systems
- Robotic vacuum cleaners (seldom ordinary ones)
Jewelry and art
Another popular target for exploration are gemstones, things made of valuable metals and art, of which by far the most common items are paintings. Those are also documented either at site or at home after having been "borrowed" for further examinations. Jewelry and art can mean, for instance:
- Valuable gemstones (diamonds, rubies, emerald, sapphires, topaz etc.)
- Anything made out of gold
- Silver dishes and cutlery
- Other valuable art
Money can mean either coins or bills, and sometimes checks and credit cards. The money is photographed at site and then borrowed home for further documentation. Money can be difficult to "borrow" for further documentation because of the fact that it's very easy to accidentally mix it up with your own money, this being because all money tend to look very similar to other money in the same currency. Therefore it's also very hard to return the borrowed money, as it will most likely not be the same money you return as those you once borrowed.
The Urban Exploration cults has their own sets of rules that most sect members strive to follow. The UE "ten commandments" are, with some minor variations, these:
- Always carry more than one flashlight, and take as many backup batteries as you can muster. NEVER go with just one flashlight and/or no extra batteries!
- Bringing a pal or two is always a good idea in case you get stuck in a bush or something. But don't be more than five - that makes you too easy to spot.
- If you have borrowed the items encountered during the UE for further examination and documentation, always make sure to return them to its rightful owner. Of course, it takes at least 25 years or so to conduct a satisfying documentation, so make you sure you have it covered well before you return. If you wouldn't return it, it'd be a downright theft.
- Never get caught, ever. If you are still caught by a security guard, kill him. If you are encountered by the owner of house, kill him/her too. Don't ever shot cops - the UE movement strives to avoid unnecessery attention, therefore shooting cops is bad, bad, BAD!
- Don't write any graffiti. Graffiti is bad. Graffiti were invented by neanderthals and ogres, therefore you are a neanderthal too if you use it. It also brings too much public attention, which will harm the scene. No matter how tempting it might be, always avoid graffiti.
- Never explore a house where one or more dogs are being held as pets. Dogs are very good at sniffing you out of whatever hiding place you try to use. Some dogs can also be bloodthirsty monsters that will tear you into pieces before you even have a chance to say " ". Dogs can bark to reveal you. Even if you shoot the dog, the damage is likely already done. Even small dogs can do lots of damage with their barking.
- Never, never, never attempt to explore Steve Ballmers house. He may have loads of goodies to borrow and document and a damn big house to explore too, but he'll either fucking bury you or fucking kill you if he catch you. Sometimes he will do both, although the order of the two steps may vary from time to time.
- Always take pictures at site. If you haven't documented it, you haven't done it.
- Never use the front door. Always find an alternate entry, whatever it is. Front doors are often too robust and too well guarded and should be avoided. If you think the site you're about to explore has alarms that you can't disable, then move to another site.
- You should strive to upload the results of your UE's on the Internet to share your excursions with other interested. But always be discret - journalists have been known to read everything you post and will try to expose you in the media. To make this easier, a digital camera is preferable to an ordinary one.
- Molesting found rodents during an exploration may, or may not be frowned upon.
There have been a recent trend where a few confused urban explorers have begun to explore abandoned sites instead of active ones. I mean, haha, abandoned? ABANDONED?! Just how SILLY can one get? Abandoned sites generally doesn't have any goodies to borrow and should therefore be avoided. And if they do, it's mostly obsolote junk anyway. Abandoned sites are dirty and rusty and a pain to explore. Who wants to crawl in the mud like a sewer rat or sink kneedeep into slimy, polluted water with fierce piranhas swimming around? There are no reasons to explore abandoned sites - that's for losers only and laughed at by the UE scene in general, as it should be. Abandoned places are also likely to be inhabited by satanists and zombified alcoholics and junkies who will rip you apart if you get too close too them, as will bats and rats.
DISCLAIMER: Exploring abandoned sites may infect you with a rat-carried deadly, mutated form of the Marburg virus which will cause your brain to flow backwards, killing you slowly and violently screaming in horribly spasms and seizures!
What do to if you encounter an urban explorer
Urban explorers are very dangerous. If you hear some strange noise in your house during nighttime, it's likely an urban explorer "exploring" your house. They are exceptionally good at blending in with shadows and are thus very hard to spot, which is why they call themselves "the Shadow People". Urban explorers can be destroyed by platinum bullets (NOTE: silver will only make them stronger!), Bromethalin, garlic or strawberry milkshake. If you think there are urban explorers in your house, do not hesitate to call the FBI or the military, or (preferably) both. Urban explorers are likely armed and dangerous and should not be provoked needlessly.