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French Revolution
Storming bastille.PNG
Conflict: French Revolution
Date: 1789–1799
Place: France
Outcome: 75 years of shifting politics finally settling to its present fomr: a flimsy, corrupt democracy.
Combatants
France Also France (richer)
Commanders
No one, really. King Louis XVI and those who bribed him.
Strength
The entire population of France, and most of its military, too. Considerably less, all obese. A little over 1000.
Casualties
... I suppose some must have died along the way. Everyone, by public beheading

The French Revolution (or La Révolution Française as they would have it) was an entire national uprising caused by the lack (and later banning) of bread and the encouragement to eat cake amongst the French villagefolk. From this time on, the French would never be called sissies again. No, seriously. Not until Napoleon Bonaparte died years later would anyone ever again question the toughness or sexuality of France.

The official slogan of The French Revolution was "Liberté, égalité, fraternité, ou la mort!" ("Liberty, equality, fraternity, or death!"), though they didn't mean it as much as Patrick Henry did.

Causes[edit]

King Louis XVI. In his day, he was quite the dick.

The causes of the French Revolution were far and wide, both social, economic, and political, but for now, just remember that the primary cause was that the peasants were hungry[1]. Well... actually, it was more than that, but still, for the sake of this article, it was hungriness.

France was, in 1789, an absolute monarchy, an increasingly unfashionable form of government at the time. America had already cast off its chains (and wouldn't shut up about it), and many around the world were following suit. King Louis XVI lead France in this time period. He was greatly hated amongst the peasantfolk, referred to as "Louis the Last", commenting that he would be "the last" king, "Louis Capet", in an attempt to discredit his status as king, and "King Fucktard", in a more bitter reference to his supposed mental impairments. King Louis, who suffered from clinical depression, would cry into his pillow every night after hearing the peasants say such mean things. The next day, he would execute. Louis was notorious for being a huge spender who sent his country plummeting into debt, being incredibly indecisive, being a drunk who lived in the House of Bourbon, and frequently pranked common people by poisoning their wells. All in all, King Louis XVI is looked back by historians as a well-intentioned, conservative King.

Due to the frivolous spending brought on by the Louis XVI administration, as well as the high price of many wars France was involved with during 18th century, a bread famine started. Unemployment was high, and many professional wheat growers were being laid off. Bread was then, and still is, the primary need for all French people, barely beating water, cigarettes, and wine. The very next day, there was a drought and the tobacco and grape crop literally shriveled up overnight. The peasants were now starving, needed a smoke, thirsty, quite sober, homeless on the streets, and some were even forced to steal silverware from friendly bishops. Meanwhile, the arrogant royalty and upper class were pompously feasting in their grand halls, surrounded by ill-gotten money and blindingly shiny things. The citizens were restless and spiteful, but it would still take a bitch the size of Marie Antoinette[2] to turn the nation-wide resentment of noble privilege and mild sense of cynicism towards the effectiveness of absolute monarchy into a full scale revolution.

Marie Antoinette was the rather homely, grey-wigged wife of King Louis XVI and, through association to him, Queen of France. It was her who infamously joked about the bread shortage[3], saying that "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche", or, "If they have no bread, then let them eat cake!" Of course, as Queen of an absolutist monarchy her word was to be taken quite literally, so bread was banned among citizens. However, to compensate for this, posters were placed around town encouraging citizens to eat cake. This comment did not blow over well with the commoners, as cake was quite hard to come by. The revolution... was on[4].

The Storming of the Bastille[edit]

Severely pissed, several French insurgents stormed the Bastille, a French prison. Although the prison contained a mere seven prisoners at the time, and held no real significance to the actual French aristocrats the insurgents were rebelling against, it was the principle of the thing that mattered, as the Bastille symbolized... ah, Hell, it was just easy to seize, and everyone knew it. As was expected, the prisoners put up a better fight than the guards, and the prisoners immediately welcomed the insurgents with open arms and offered the insurgents cocaine. This event marked the beginning of the French revolution, as well as marking the beginning of several attempts to market the Bastille as a historic tourist attraction until it was demolished.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Both for food and... for freedom.
  2. And more taxes. Everyone hates taxes.
  3. Though in recent times historians note that there is no conclusive proof that she ever said such a thing, one glance at an old picture of that snootish prune and you know she did.
  4. Much like Donkey Kong

See Also[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about French Revolution.


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