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The Birthday Suit™ is a bespoke item of clothing made to suit the individuals necessary requirements. Flexible and adaptable, the birthday suit is one of the best garments on the market-it’s waterproof, warm, breathable and it dries easily!

A typical set of birthday suits.


The Birthday Suit™ has been around as long as mankind itself, but with the march of progress, so have many technological advancements. People can now have certain parts of the suit removed, altered or enhanced, and even added. This has proved a lucrative industry, with millions of happy customers and rich tailors. One of the most profound advancements was the invention of cosmetic tailoring. People have sharpened their pencils, boomed their bosoms and reconstructed their arses with lard after too much sitting on the sofa in front of the TV.

Advantages and Alternatives[edit]

Somebody without a suit. Ouch.

Apart from wearing a Birthday Suit™, you could wear:

  • Absolutely nothing, but you run the risk of high levels of infection, critically injuring yourself or just making yourself look as attractive as a Rat's Arse.
  • A paper bag, although bodily fluids would just pour out and stain your clothing
  • A latex suit, although this would look odd, what with you being transparent and all.
  • Or you could wear some clothes, which would be irremovable form your body

Buying your (first) Birthday Suit™[edit]

For most people, they get their Birthday Suits™ from their parents, as a gift to commemorate their birth. However, some people do not get one for whatever reason, and so it is a good idea to get one on as soon as possible. You can do one of the following:

  • Go to chain store and buy a standard one off them.


  • Go to the tailors, which will sell you high quality and attractive designer wear, and she/he will fit it for you.

Birthday suits are often found on exhibit at several fashion shows around the world, coming out every season.

This Designer Model was actually designed by Oscar Wilde himself!

Maintaining Your Birthday Suit™[edit]


The birthday suit is not machine washable, nor is it to be sent to the dry cleaners or put in a tumble dryer. The suit must always be hand-washed and only very soft detergents should be used when cleaning the suit. The insulating 'hairs' on the top of the suit are required to be washed at least twice a week, otherwise they will start to flake, and this is called dandruff
Please note that the suit cannot be returned to the shop, so choose wisely!


Apart form the obvious washing the suit, it is often a good idea for the owner to use cosmetic creams to enhance and maintain a healthy suit, even when it is well past its sell-by-date. Moisturising cream, powder, toner, you name it, it's there. However, the suit is an item of clothing and is not to be waxed with powerful cleaning fluids like a car. It is, however, a good idea to remove old hairs by waxing with wax and rubbing off older bits.

Expensive creams like this are a rip-off, but I guess they're worth it. (Can I have my fee now?)


It is a fundamental constant that no birthday suit will last forever, no matter how much cream you put on it. Symptoms of death are blotches, greying hair/loss of hair and wrinkles. It is important to change your suit regularly, not just to keep yourself looking good, but also to ensure that the body is not rotted by the dying suit. The bones and general bodily health can be damaged beyond repair, and the brain can be permanently fixed in the senile position.

See Also[edit]

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