User:15Mickey20/Novak Djokovic

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Put a shirt on.

Novak Djokovic is an Eastern European professional tennis player. Despite his on-court success, winning one grand slam and fives masters titles, he is rightfully hated by all quarters of decent tennis society. He lacks all trace of sportsmanship, he wears shockingly gaudy tennis apparel and he has an odd name. There is no place for the likes of him in the sport.

Style of Play[edit]

Like most of these modern Eastern Block players, Novak Djokovic plays his tennis from the baseline and uses a double-fisted stroke on the backhand side. It is most unfortunate. Djokovic maintains a blind devotion to powerful shot-making and overlooks the many subtleties of the game. He doesn't serve and volley, he doesn't slice his backhand and he ignores the dink - a shot that seems to have completely gone out of fashion.

Djokovic's game would be indistinguishable from the homogenous mass of today's tennis scene, were it not for his service routine. Before each serve, Djokovic likes to bounce the ball. On a big point he can do it up to two dozen times. This is not a mere aid to concentration or a harmless personality quirk. That would be ridiculous. No, it is a blatant attempt to put off the opposition through methods approximating to hypnosis. No man can watch a ball bounce so many times and still play to their best. It's cheating and it's amazing that the authorities let him get away with it. If the umpires won't do anything, the players themselves must.

At Lower Crinchley Lawn Tennis Club, there is a member called Margaret Setherwick. Margaret is notorious at the club for her bouncing shenanigans. It seems you spend the majority of your allotted hour waiting for her to serve. She has also been known to leave her mobile phone turned on in her tennis bag. She is a troublemaker. However, there are no club indiscretions that cannot be solved by a spot of social shunning. The membership committee resolved not to talk to Margaret at our annual cheese and wine evening and she was justifiably undermarked at our monthly quiz nights. There was soon a clear improvement in Mrs Setherwick's behaviour, especially following the death of her husband, at which point she no longer had a mixed doubles partner. This shows that if the so-called professionals of the ATP tour stopped talking to Djokovic, he would become a reformed character.

Footwork like this would get you kicked out of Lower Crinchley LTC.


On one of Lower Crinchley LTC's yearly trips to the Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, the club's members had the dubious honour of seeing Djokovic in person. On that day he happened to be playing a rather brilliant young British chap. No one at the club can recall what his name was, but he possessed the most exquisite high defensive lob. He was very well behaved too. It was a pleasure to see a sensible young man play tennis how it should be played. It was quite a shame that he lost.

Unfortunately, the antics of young Novak Djokovic ruined what should have been a lovely day out. He would insist on letting out these foul guttural screams whenever he hit the ball. Every shot would be accompanied by the most dreadful racket one had ever heard. It was disgraceful. Some of us were trying to read! At 3-0 in the third set, our party was forced to leave; driven out by the sound of one Eastern European's gamesmanship. We missed three whole games of tennis. While LCLTC will continue to visit Wimbledon, we won't be seeing Djokovic any time soon.

It's a shame that all the Eastern Europeans have come into the game screaming and shouting and disrupting law-abiding players. Back in the day, when tennis was dominated by Western Europeans and Americans, like the ice cold Swede Bjorn Borg, the fragrant English rose Virginia Wade and the great American, Martina Navratilova, tennis was a respectable game, played in a respectful silence. Unfortunately, society has changed. People will now tolerate these players making public exhibitions of themselves as they grunt their way through a match. People shouldn't tolerate this. We seem to have lost the noble British art of tutting and until it comes back, the problem is going to get worse.