User:Airtuna08/Ben Berrios

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
"Big Boy w/ Bong" is the universal symbol for an oompah. Why? Well, oompahs think they are big, but normal people know differently leading us to believe oompahs are major righteous bush addicts.

Ben Berrios was born on July 13, 1981 (Truthfulness of this birth year has been debated in recent days. See: Jackson 5 rumors below). He was one of only two Oompah Loompahs born that year apart from those born in loompahland. Being born an Oompah Loompah is exceptionally rare, and it is more likely to be born an albino conjoined twin with six fingers on each hand. Ben Berrios is tall for an Oompah Loompah, reaching a lofty height of 4'2" (making him fall one inch short of being able to ride in a car without the use of a booster seat). Ben spends most of his spare time as the Urban Director at WNYO, "Wily New York Oompahs". Many know him for his famous rants that are so sophisticated that only Ben understands what they truly mean. Ben also enjoys downloading porn and singing to his favorite rap songs. Ben resides in Syracuse, New York. He is also a descendant of the legendary civil war general Ulysses S. Berrios. On February 14th 2007, Ben made sweet sweet love to his valentine Jessica Simpson, but only in his dreams. He woke to find O.J. Simpson in bed next to him. "The glove didn't fit" ~O.J. to Ben. The two best words to describe Ben Berrios are short and angry. His social security number is 143-43-7243. Ben enjoys romantic candle lit diabetic dinners, short walks on the beach, the white rapper show, Oreos and excessively violent threats. His breath is listed as the second deadliest silent killer behind only carbon monoxide. This is a fairly confusing listing as carbon monoxide is called a silent killer because it is odorless, while Ben's breath can be smelt from over 40 yards away. Ben's famous Jackson 5 impersonations have been a full-proof way of getting female oompah's in that lovin mood. Recent finding may prove that Ben was actually a member of Jackson 5.

The legendary Ulysses S. Berrios
Ben, in happier times after escaping the chocolate factory.

Life as an Oompah Loompah[edit]

The perfect size car for an oompah loompah

Life as an Oompah Loompah for anyone is difficult, but Ben Berrios is one of the ones that have it the hardest. Among a tall Oompah Loompahs he is taunted consistently with jabs such as "How is the weather up there?" and "Careful, don't step on me!" Among the ranks of people of normal height he is taunted with "How is the weather down there?", "Careful, I almost stepped on you!" and his least favorite "Hey Ben, I hate you because you are shorter then me." It is also difficult for him to reach things such as things on tall shelves, tables (unless he has his high chair) and the heads of large and medium sized dogs. The thing that haunts Ben the most about his past is his time enslaved at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. The work was hard and the hours were long. Ben was forced to spend hour after hour mixing chocolate and taste testing nerds. The frequent nerd tasting caused to Ben to develop OLD (Oompah Loompah Diabetes), which he remains afflicted with to this very day (though he is working "hard" on a cure). When he had to be removed from the candy scene due to his illness Wonka forced him to join his special Oompah Loompah assassin strike force. The training to be in the task force is exceptionally difficult and nearly half of those enrolled in the training die before the first week is over. The missions that Ben went on were exceptionally difficult, and lesser Oompahs probably would have perished. Most of his missions are still classified. It is rumored that his speciality is turning people into blueberries with Willy Wonka's defective full meal gum.

In this costume, Ben closely resembles his cousin, Donkey Kong Berrios. It pretty much proves that oompahs evolved from apes.

Oompah Loompah Uprising[edit]

Ben was the leader of the famous Oompah Loompah uprising of 2000. While the details of what happened are sketchy, what we do know is that Ben was able to get himself and 25-50 of his fellow Oompah Loompahs out of the chocolate factory. Ben and others, dressed as a gorilla and other farm animals, were able to elude security and enter the real world. If more details of this escape are revealed we will definitely post them

Days In Hiding[edit]

Shown here is the world's most famous clown, Bozo. Bozo is the number #1 public enemy of oompahs for his treatment of rounded up oompahs on his daytime children's show in 2000-01. Currently Bozo is in rehab recovering from his serious kitten huffing habit.

After the escape, Berrios and other oompahs were forced into hiding because of the national hatred toward the unknown. Matters weren't helped when Wonka started posting rewards for Berrios and the other fleeing oompahs. Oompahs that were caught were forced to shower with soap. Religious beliefs specifically bar oompahs from bathing with water, and especially with soap. Apparently "Cleanliness next to Godlieness" doesn't apply. Other oompahs were humilated by being forced to wear stilts and to walk down public streets. The worst event took place when Bozo the Clown had a captured oompah sit in the "hit the target, dump the oompah into the pool" game. Chester, the eldest oompah at Wonka's, was dropped in a soap bubbled pool that burned deeply in his dirt-filled pores. Replays of this event still scar oompahs to this day. On the bright side, Chester still showers to this day and successfully intregated into society by becoming the C.E.O. of General Electric when oompahs gained some rights in society. The uprising and escape was also heavily covered by the media, and even a TV movie starring Gary Coleman as Berrios was aired by NBC in the months after the escape. Krusty the Clown was considered to be the favorite for the part, but he went on a drunken binge and killed four people. The movie was not intended to be like the tear jerking movie, Free Willy, but to cast oompahs in an evil light. It angered people so much, and actually inspired individuals to hang puppit oompahs in effigy. The fact of oompahs running lose in society scared the crap out of people. It became like the "Salem Witch Trials" or the "McCarthy Hearings." Hundreds of normal midgets and dwarfs lost everything because of fear they might be oompahs. However, a few famous people did speak for oompah rights. Those freaks included: Rosie O'Donnell, who Ben calls a fine piece of ass, Al Gore, who blames his 2000 presidential loss on this, Justin Timberlake, who claims he had a romantic relationship with Ben (Ben denies this), Carrot Top, FREAK!, and finally, Snoop Dog, who thought he used to smoke up with Ben. Well I guess none of those individuals are famous.

Obviously, Ben was a lazy worker because Wonka perferred him dead as a personal vandetta. Also, Wonka never forgave Ben for tainting his chocolate river by puking in it one drunken evening.

As for Ben, he hid out in Liverpool, New York with his good buddy Oprah Winfrey. She kept him safely under wraps until the 28th Amendment was passed giving oompahs many unalienable rights. And thankfully while in hiding, Oprah kept many dead fish on hand for Ben to bathe with. He would also eat them later. Unfortunately, many rights recognized by the U.S. Constitution are still held back from oompahs. Oompahs have trouble going to certain public places because of flagant prejudice for these little creatures. When asked, store owners voted 4 to 1 that they rather admit lepards into their premises. However, each day a new barrier is broken down. On April 15th, 2004, the first oompah loompah, Jackie Robinson Oompah, played professional baseball. Unfortunately, this story did not have a happy ending. Because of the small strike zone Jackie had, he pissed off one too many pitchers, and on April 28th, an inside fastball to the head killed poor Jackie. Its not all bad though, oompahs have succeeded for some reason in the world of figure skating. And yes, I think we all puked a little with the thought of a female oompah in a figure skating skirt. Thankfully, the National Figure Skating Association has required female oompahs to wear pants. Oompahs have tried to reverse this ruling, but the Supreme Court has denied to hear their case.

Life After Wonka[edit]

In need of money, Ben went back to work at other factories, but they brought up bad memories. First, Ben found employement at a tomato sauce factory. He quit after several altercations with a co-worker who mocked his oompah status. Ben would then be hired at a beer bottling plant. He refused to smuggle out free beer for his friends because the joy the alcohol would give them would just be wrong. Ben says no fun should ever come from his working at a "slave labor camp." Ben left because he was even tempted in partaking of the evil lager. After several jobs, Ben decided to enroll at Oswego State University in order to find a career that would be far away from the factories that haunt him so much.


Ben's pork product of choice, well bologna is mostly pork.. IT'S TERRIBLE!

The diet of an ordinary Oompah Loompah is mostly chocolate, candy, and the flesh of living kittens. However because he has OLD, Ben has a diet that is different. It consists of about 80% pork products with the remaining 20% being made up of oreos to satisfy the sweet tooth that all Oompah Loompahs are cursed with. However, Ben does not hunt prey for the pork he loves so much. Unfortunately because of the OLD and other concerns he just does not have the body type to hunt down pigs. Therefore, Ben has had to find other alternatives, including Kraft Bologna. In a blatant disregard for its intended use, Ben has been know to use orange juice as a weapon. The most famous action, "Operation Orange Crush Baumler", on November 7, 2006, almost provoked Baumler to call Willy Wonka with Ben's whereabouts. Thankfully, the two sides cooled, and Ben was just lucky it wasn't mustard. Ben is also known for drinking very cheap rum, vodka, and beer. One time, in a state of confusion, Ben ate decorative soaps. This is how he first learned that soap exists, though he is still clueless as to how to actually use it.

Ben is shown here mixing some of his favorite rap songs. A few moments later Ben would flee the scene because he was only pretending to know how to use the $5,000 audio board. The radio lab is just the lastest public venue to ban oompahs from their premises.

Rap Superstar[edit]

Ben Berrios is also known for being the foremost Oompah Loompah rapper. Most Oompah Loompahs claim he is the best rapper of all time. However reviews among non Oompah Loompahs are far less flattering. In fact most reviewers were noted to run screaming from the building they were in after only two minutes any one of his songs. Those reviewers that were caught before they could kill themselves also complained of excessive bleeding from the ears and months or even years of horrific nightmares. Among non Oompah Loompah reviewers the average rating was two out of five stars. It is unapparent why the surviving reviewers rated it so high, but mind control has not been ruled out as of yet. If you would like to hear some of his work, there is a link below. LISTENING TO THESE SONGS IN NOT ADVISABLE. LISTEN TO THEM AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS WEB SITE WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR ANY PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE DONE BY LISTENING TO THE AFOREMENTIONED SONGS.

New findings suggest Ben was a member of Jackson 5. Because oompahs all age differently it is unclear which member Ben may have been, if any.

Jackson 5 Rumors[edit]

On March 11th, 2007, WTOP 10's Eric "Blue Hat" Adler uncovered strong evidence that Ben may have been a member of Jackson 5. This of course would mean Ben has been lying about his birth year of 1981. Infact, Hat found evidence that Ben was born in 1961. Apparently Ben left for the Jackson 5 after several attempts to graduate from high school. However, the bitter falling out of the group forced Ben to join witness protection which landed him at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Rumors are Ben couldn't handle the intense pressure of the media, so he bolted into hiding. Ben has strongly rejected these rumors, and claims he is only a loyal fan of the Jackson 5. Ben believes evidence pinning his birth year to 1961 are completed fabricated, and "GARBAGE!"

BREAKING NEWS March 25th 2007: BBlastmatic: I WAS RANDY THE BACK UP JACKSON Ben admits he was a part of the group, but it is unclear if he said this just to shut people up. Hat, please verify this information. Based on the all caps, he appears to be really tired of these alligations.

Classic Ben Quotes (AKA OOMPAHISMS)[edit]

Ben Berrios has said almost as many things as there are Oscar Wilde quotes. Here's some of the best:

“The only bad thing about this computer is that I don't get viruses."”

~ Ben Berrios on his broken computer


~ Ben Berrios on absolutely nothing, followed by absolutely nothing

“That's GARBAGE!!!!”

~ Ben Berrios on everything

“I'm gonna cut you down to my height with a chainsaw.”

~ Ben Berrios on being looked up at

“I'm Oprah's number one fan!”

“For once, Chris is always right.”

“I've know you for a year and a half."”

~ Ben Berrios on someone he knew for 6 months

“I don't know when I'm leaving yet. Either Friday afternoon or Friday evening, whichever comes first.”

“Hey Pat, the Chiefs are getting shut out, they are losing 34 to 7.”

~ Ben Berrios on attempting to host a sports radio show

“I am a gorilla.”

“I am as short as I am difficult.”

~ Ben Berrios on being an Oompah Loompah

“You can call me the jamacian bald Oompah if you do not call me brillo pad anymore.”

~ Ben Berrios on record admitting his touchy feelings that he had to shave his beautiful green oompah hair when escaping the chocolate factory.

“Oompah loompah dupity don't.”

~ Ben Berrios on doing stuff

“You know what I'm sayin?”

~ Ben Berrios on talking to himself


~ Ben Berrios on finding something out of place in his studio

“Each day gets a little better, actually it's worse, but it's better.”

~ Ben Berrios on life as an oompah loompah

“Because I'm playing Knights and not drinking....that much."”

“It's like beating a dead horse, it's dead!”

~ Ben Berrios on biology

“The Lakers have a good shot at going half way through the SUNYAC tournament.”

~ Ben Berrios on the local hockey team having a bye that gets them halfway through the tournament.

“Yeah! Tiger Woods! The Gopher!"”

~ Ben Berrios on his favorite sport, golf

“I don't say 'the' A lot, you fucking idiot!”

~ Ben Berrios on parking

“Everybody goes to the gay bar once, you wanna know what's going on in there.”

~ Ben Berrios on what's going on in there

“I wish I was as tall as Mr. T.”

~ Ben Berrios on Mr. T

“Yo, you remember that day he got kidnapped for like three days? ”

~ Ben Berrios on the space-time continuum

“I've been hung over since yesterday.”

~ Ben Berrios on when he started drinking

“Chris, listen...continue. ”

~ Ben Berrios on giving a lecture

“That wasn't a New York Meltdown, that was Nuclear Fall Out”

~ Ben Berrios on The New York Giants

“Tom Brady makes Steve Young look like Malcom X”

~ Ben Berrios on Steve Young

“Apparently your jokes are a little far-sighted.”

~ Ben Berrios on things that are parallel and make sense

“I figured I'd use my intellect for something.”

~ Ben Berrios on delusions of grandeur

“I am not a fucking mood killer.”

~ Ben Berrios on lying

“You mean you have more then mitochondria.”

~ Ben Berrios on On having friends

“Aren't isn't a word.”

~ Ben Berrios on large vocabularies

“He's gonna go kill a duck.”

~ Ben Berrios on cancer

“When you can make fun of yourself it's awesome.”

~ Ben Berrios on self confidence

“That's HORNY baby! ”

~ Ben Berrios on the use of tiger penises as aphrodisiacs in the far away land of china

“You can't bait me sideburns. ”

“Well (pause) I see time hasn't dulled your wit(spoken slow as hell).”

“You can't out epic me!”

~ Ben Berrios on not realizing he is so damn short

“Looks like the wheels are in motion, he might actually be leaving soon.”

~ Ben Berrios on coming back to his room six hours after his roommate moved out

“How much piss could a piss piss piss if a piss could piss piss piss piss piss. ”

~ Ben Berrios on how to write "mad ill rhymes".

“I never ate any decorative soap. ”

~ Ben Berrios on missing the point

“Tomorrow is Friday. ”

~ Ben Berrios on Friday

“I know, I make a better door than a mirror. ”

~ Ben Berrios on sayings that are common in the english language

“The thing about the #16 seeds (pause) is they they always win. I mean (pause) it's crazy."”

~ Ben Berrios on 16 seeds in the NCAA Tournament, who have an all-time record of 0-90.

“Would I make a better Tito or Jermaine Jackson?”

~ Ben Berrios on asking his friends to give him feedback on his Jackson 5 acts.

“An oompah is a charismatic representation of what the world should not be like.”

~ Ben Berrios on genealogy.

“Lets talk about oswego in the playoffs”

~ Ben Berrios on a team that has already won the New York division three championship.

“The only thing I know about hockey is sticking”

~ Ben Berrios on being a sports commentator.

“You're not from Canada are you?”

~ Ben Berrios on his fears that the Canadian government will track him down in retaliation for his service in the oompah death squad.

“How many pucks did you kick?”

~ Ben Berrios on the complex rules of hockey.

“Whats the best part about being a ninja turtle”

~ Ben Berrios on White people.

“Maloney listen... I have honor.”

~ Ben Berrios on formal dueling regulations in the state of Louisiana.

“You can call me your honor...ship”

~ Ben Berrios on boating.

“I'm the oompah baby”

~ Ben Berrios on his messiah like origins.

“Try to incorporate the oompah into your life”

~ Ben Berrios on cross integration advertising.

“Oompah and company can incorporate women of all ages and genders"”

~ Ben Berrios on Gender roles in contemporary society.

“That would be me trying to stump Godzilla in a brain contest”

~ Ben Berrios on how to make godzilla look smart.

“Its so great I should get a Nobel peace prize just for being here”

~ Ben Berrios on Humility.

“Have you seen any female oompahs or any you can classify as females"”

~ Ben Berrios on sexual frustration.

“I felt like I was back in WWII getting invaded all over again"”

~ Ben Berrios on being born in 1981 and the role of willy wonkas chocolate factory during the war.

“Japanese pitchers they were like godzilla”

~ Ben Berrios on I don't even know.

“Thats a work in progress"”

~ Ben Berrios on creating a counter to keep track of how many times he says that's garbage.

“It is the greatest food ever”

~ Ben Berrios on pudding.

“Bill Cosby has the greatest pudding”

~ Ben Berrios on giving away valuable trade secret information he learned while amployed by Mr.Wonka.

“I'm 5'2 so”

~ Ben Berrios on how far he can sink.


~ Ben Berrios on How real gangstaaas attend community colleges before entering a SUNY school.

“I stole "that's classic" from the English language”

~ Ben Berrios on plagiarism and using singe quotes within quotes

International Translations[edit]

Do you think subtitles would have helped Marvin understand Ben's show?

How to say Ben's most famous lines in many languages:

That's Classic!
Eso es Clásico ~Spanish
Cela est Classique ~French
Das ist Klassisch ~German
Ciò è Classico ~Italian
Dat is Klassiek ~Dutch
Isso é Clássico ~Portuguese
Это является Классическим ~Russian
Det er Klassisk ~Norwegian

That's Garbage!
Eso es Basura ~Spanish
Cela est des Ordures ~French
Das ist Müll ~German
Ciò è l'Immondizia ~Italian
Dat is vuilnis ~Dutch
Isso é Lixo ~Portuguese
Это - Мусор ~Russian
Det er Søppel ~Norwegian

Check back later for more quotes translated. Also more languages will be included. Among those considered will be Chinese, Japanese, Greek, Latin, Arabic, Hieroglyphics, and Martian.

Reviews of Ben's WTOP Talk Show "Late Night With Oompah!"[edit]

“It's like watching a retard shit himself.”

~ Ryan Maloney, WTOP Sports Reporter/WNYO Talk Show Host

“This show is why Muslims hate us.”

~ Everyone Living in the U.S.

“I could make a better show. Just give me a half hour, a newspaper, and a toilet”

~ Brian Fischer

“I thought it was pretty good.”

“I laughed so much, I cried! I mean he's so short!”

“This is going to effect generations to come! They are now dumber.”

~ The Boston Globe

“I didn't even see the show, but he has no idea what he is saying anyway.”

~ Kit Gaydorus

“After watching that show, I am now writing my suicide note.”

“That was the biggest pile of crap I have ever heard. I was happy that I'm blind for the first time ever listening to this crap.”

“Wow his show is almost as good as his rap, which is almost as good as a root canal with no Novocaine.”

~ Chris Baumler

“I pity the fools that have to see that shit!”

“His show makes me hot!”

“Didn't see the show I'm a whale, but I was in a coma for 3 months after my master fed me dead fish that Ben had bathed with.”

~ Shamu, the Killer Whale

“I've obviously never met or heard of Ben Berrios's show. Do you think I would have lived to be 110 years old? I would have attached myself to the big wheel and killed myself.”

“Ben tha dizeeze ann imma the cyuur!”

(Roughly translated to "Ben's the disease, I am the cure.")

“Where is Hitler when we need him the most?”

~ Dr. Robert "Hambone" Murray, DDS.


(Click edit to leave your comments, sign your name as well)

the oompah click his own page and signs the guess book ~Benjamin P. Berrios

External Links[edit]


Ben Berrios attempting to describe himself

Ben Berrios a member of Jackson 5?