User:Aleister in Chains/Halloween Yoga Bar

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Come dressed in comfortable Halloween clothing so you can do your ashanas with ease.

When you want to relax in a setting that caters to your lifestyle of Halloween haunty mixed with a large dash of yogaic cheer, where do you go? To Rachael and Karen's Halloween Yoga Juice Bar at the corner of Pranayama and Werewolf in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. The menu of power fruit-shakes topped with yummy nutritional yeast, delightfully served with such tasty tidbits as skeleton-shaped organic muffins - your name artfully written in icing across the top and a piece of soy-bone in the middle - captures the beautiful soul and demonic spirit of the "Womb, Bloom, and Tomb Room", as the regulars call it.

Whole-grainy cruncy candied cornbread is served at every cushion, crypt, and fluffy couch. Tarot card readers, astologers, and the men with the caved-in chests and long ears who play with ouija boards are often lost in conversation. Nearby, darling tinkerbell-like women circulate around the room taking juice orders and working on the negative decision-making effects of patrons' early childhood trauma[1] Belly dancers and witches entertain the crowd with chants, finger cymbals, and loose hipbones, and you may even see a friend or four across the room wearing the masks of deranged politicians while relaxing with a smiling hooker full of pazazz and verve and a smoking hookah full of the finest herb. People sing, dance, burn incense, and scream randomly as they honor the sun and the moon throughout the edgy subdued spiritually charged dimly lit eerily calm and peacefully scary atmosphere within the apricot, pink, black and orange and jellyfish painted walls of the juice bar.

Where did this blessed monstrosity come from?[edit]

The Halloween Yoga Juice Bar was the brainchild of a pair of spry nymphs named Rachael and Karen who, while dressed in halloween costumes and living the life of druidic spirits, practiced and taught a brand of raja yoga which combined the better aspects of kabbalah, scientology, "I Love Lucy"ism, and discordianism. Addicted to sunlight, moonglow, and sage, Rachael and Karen rode their brooms in the proper direction and for the desired time[2]. Listening to no one but their own inner knowing and a few stanzas of the whiffinpoof song, they applied for permits to shriek at will on public thoroughfares and turn into goats whenever noticed and approached. Once freeing themselves of all inhibitions and most daily arrangements, they then threw caution to the wind just to see where it would land and who grabbed it up like a security blanket. Early on one of those days, when it came time to open an establishment for the gathering of the likeminded, Rachael and Karen hesitated nary a second in the creation of the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar.

Your calmly haunted friends![edit]

"Eeny meeny miny mo, catch an otherly-abled vegan pagan lesbian of color by the toe. If she hollers let her go (let her go for a thai back massage and an upper-colon cleansing), eeny meeny miny mo" reads the old wooden lettering on the old wooden sign hanging above the old wooden door to the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar. The Juice Bar sign makes everyone feel welcome, like they're a member of a loving and sharing community, or a blonde puppy in a bonded pack of bloodthirsty vamps. People greet the regulars with shouts of "Namaste!" and "Boo!" while warning newcomers "Fasten your seatbelts!"

Once inside they can fill up their pockets with newly dug grave dirt complete with arrowheads, buttons, and posies, and mix it with holy incense blessed by the likes of Baba Ram Dass, Swami Satchidananda, and Swami Rama, bless their hearts (which are kept in mason jars near the kitchen). They glance upon walls that have contiuous "fake" arms, spines, and heads ghoulishly twisting on spikes, which then exhibit the more advanced of the hatha yoga positions in which scarred and rigid muscle is coming back to its natural state through stretching, mentally keeping track of the muscle tightnesses, and learning to tighten and relax them at will[3]

A night of lovin' at the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar[edit]

The spine's importance in hatha yoga is illustrated by Fred and Ethel here, two former patrons who now hang around near their favorite yoga mats and massage table. See how they can stretch their lumbars? You're as young as your spine stretches, yogis say, and Fred and Ethel are ageless!

There is a tale twice told of the night when a young woman walked into the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar looking for a listening ear. She said her name was Mary, and she claimed to have lost her coat and her magic slippers. Hippies, ghouls, and teens dressed as fireman and Harry Potter circled around Mary, some trying to tell her how much water to drink to loosen up the spine, others trying to cop a feel. Mary loved them all, and they hugged and laughed and smoked their funny smelling cigarettes until dawn, when Mary suddenly was gone! The others looked all over the Juice Bar but couldn't find her worth a damn.

On their way home two of the hippies and one of the ghouls stopped in their tracks, for there on a tombstone in the local cemetery were a pressed and folded coat, a pair of magic slippers, a little lamb, and a halloween-candy bag full of health bars and exotic East Indian seasonings. The tombstone was inscribed "Mary Hummingbyrd Loving Friend, Beatnik and Hippie 1942-1968". The hippies screamed and ran like hell while the ghoul knelt down and prayed for her soul.

Do you have change for a rainbow, mister?[edit]

Sometimes someone will wander into the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar looking for a shot and a beer, not knowing what they are getting themselves into. They leave hours later, their unhealthy shit scared out of them during a high colonic, their body massaged, rolfed, alexandered and feldenkraised, their hair and skin turned white from fright and scaling, and their life both prolonged by what they've learned and shortened by the effect of spiders and full-size Frankenstein monsters jumping out at them at odd angles as they make their way to the bathroom.

The back room[edit]

Rachael and Karen have a wonderful little secret, and it's a secret which you really want to get in on. If you are a long-time visitor to their Juice Bar, or are someone they recognizes on first glance as "there" already, one day you'll be taken by the hand and led through the kitchen to a door you've never seen before. The shining and naturally sanitized black door to the back room of the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar is about to open.

Creeeeeeeekkkkkkk (the door kind of creaks like in a haunty house, or with that sound a spine makes loosening up).

You immediately spot the raven with deadlocks above the mantlepiece of the walk-in fireplace. Lighting your incense burner and candlestand you see past the raven to the little swami guy sitting next to it. "Hello," the little man says. "Nevermore" says the raven.

Do you have a problem picking up teddy bears? Then stay away from this room, frontal lobe nonewithstanding, because the fur of Teddy Bears lines the walls two inches thick. The floor - an ancient oak and bone mix - waffs the scent of poppies, pumpkins, and sandlewood from every square inch.

Namaste! Boo![edit]

"I'll have a carrot juice with a splash of unicorn horn please."

The Halloween Yoga Juice Bar opens with the dawn ceremony, and shuts down just after midnight, although the loving and intelligent werewolves among us will sometimes howl for last call around 1. So please tell everyone to come by, lay down their inappropriate decision patterns and their dry bones, and join us to howl at the moon while getting expertly tantrad in the luxury of the bar's backyard patio/sweatlodge/drip-pit.

Then leave a nice tip for your waitress, or else, before you know it and right in front of your eyes, she may pretend to tear out your neck and/or expertly massage it!

Relaxed muscles on a skelatal foot notes[edit]


Gandhi studio 1931.jpg Gandhi protects this article!
Vandalism will result in you being Yoga Blasted!
  1. Every time a decision point comes up when humans are in the womb, or are hurt, frightened, or confused in early childhood, when the body quickly picks a reaction to address or confront the situation it will encode that reaction into the muscle and nerve systems. There are quite a few ways to change those or make them disapper. Just sayin'.
  2. That's right! Most depicted witches have it ass backwards unless she likes/moans it better ass-backwards. Like many other things, the witches "broom" is pictured with the pubic hair in front, which witches ride with much enthusiasm and for a long long time to better their experience. Doing so they usually achieve gains in magick and related accurate perceptions and consciousness. Just sayin'.
  3. Along with 'nuff water to stay well-hydrated, as the muscles use the most water of any system of things in the body. Just sayin'.