User:Aleister in Chains/The Boy Who Chose the Girl Over the Sun
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For ages untold romantics and poets have told preteen and teenage boys, and the musicians who cater to these little men, that if given a choice between the girl and the sun they'd better get used to being "one nocturnal son of a gun".
Little did these people realize what would happen once one of these punks was presented that choice.
It was May 2nd, 2015, a day just like any other. Fourteen-year-old Johnny Doolittle (aka, "The boy who chose the girl over the sun" or simply "That wanker who doomed us all") wasn't getting any. Poor little Johnny said, "I would give up the sun itself so that Katie S would touch my penis." He had to say 'S' because there were 2 Katies in his grade level and he didn't want to get the wrong one, who was his sister's best friend and had seen him pee in the bushes once. Then, as soon as he uttered the words, this guy popped out of nowhere and granted his wish.
Then, *POOF*, no more sun. And Katie magically appeared near Johnny with her right hand down his pants. Here's an artist's painting of how it all went down:
First, due to the shock of having her hand touching Johnny's pee-pee, there was a lot of screaming.
Anyway, as there was no sun and thus the planets no longer had to follow any orbit, the Earth rebelled. Earth mooned the other planets in what used to be the Milky Way, and went on to do things his way. But poor naïve Earth didn’t know how to navigate the universe and ended up crashing into a wall.
As for the earthlings, their final days consisted of the following activities. The higher on the list, the more popular it was.
- Failed attempts at trying to build a time machine.
- Failed attempts at trying to build a new sun.
Satan then snuggled up to the earthlings and agreed to build a new sun in exchange for the souls of everyone on the planet, thus avoiding disaster...or did he? Instead of a neat happy satanic ending, Satan did the trickster thing by demanding that everyone in the world sign the contract. By the time the first billion had signed it, everyone had already died from lack of oxygen and from wall, thus rendering said contract null and void. Satan gobbled up everybody;s soul like pop on corn.
The moral of the story. . .
. . .is to fuck brother Satan up the ass with a fresh demon, because when the sun is shining, appreciate it. And if a girl ever seems better than the sun and you have to decide either it or her, get out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Get yourself free. Because there will be plenty more girls, but we only own one of those ginormous nuclear reactors, our local star, the sun.